Chapter 4 - Review

Chapter 4 - Verbal Messages

KNOWLEDGE OBJECTIVES

After completing this chapter, students should be able to:

·        understand the nature of verbal messages

·        identify and explain the principles governing verbal messages

·         

SKILLS OBJECTIVES

After completing this chapter, students should:

·        use verbal messages more effectively in all their communication experiences

·        avoid language that might be considered sexist, heterosexist, or ageist, any of which would likely have negative consequences

·        avoid common pitfalls of language usage that can also distort thinking

·         

Chapter Four Goals

·       Paraphrase the eight principles of verbal messages and use their skills components in your own communication.

·       Explain the five ways in which language can distort thinking and apply the suggested guidelines for communicating more logically.

·       Define and distinguish between-disconfirmation-and-confirmation-and use appropriate cultural identifiers, without sexism, heterosexism, racism, and ageism.

Your messages normally occur in "packages" consisting of both verbal and nonverbal signals. Usually, verbal and nonverbal behaviors reinforce, or support, each other. For example, you don't usually express fear with words while the rest of your body relaxes. You don't normally express anger with your face while your words are warm and cheerful. Your entire being works as a whole-verbally and nonverbally-to express your thoughts and feelings. At other times, the verbal and nonverbal messages contradict each other; you say you enjoyed the meal but eat very little or you say you're happy to meet someone but avoid eye contact, Regardless of whether verbal and nonverbal messages support or contradict each other, they occur together. This chapter focuses on the verbal message system: the system's key principles, the concepts of confirmation and disconfirmation, and the ways you can use verbal messages most effectively.

Principles of Verbal Messages

Your verbal messages, of course, rely on the rules of grammar: you can't just make up sounds or words or string words together at random and expect to be understood. But following the rules of grammar is not enough to achieve effective communication. Here we look at eight principles to help you understand how verbal messages work.

MESSAGE MEANINGS ARE IN PEOPLE

To discover the meaning a person is trying to communicate, it's necessary to look into the person as well as the words. The word cancer, for example, will mean something very different to a mother whose child has just been diagnosed with cancer and to an oncologist. Also recognize that, as you change, you also change the-meanings you created out of past messages; although the message sent may not have changed, the meanings you created from it yesterday and the meanings you create today may be quite different. Yesterday, when a special someone said, "I love you," you created certain meanings. But today, when you learn that the same "I love you" was said to three other people, you drastically change the meaning you derive from those three words.

MESSAGES ARE DENOTATIVE AND CONNOTATIVE

When you speak, you use verbal messages both denotatively and connotatively. Denotation has to do with the objective meaning of a term, the meaning you would find in a dictionary. It's the meaning that people who share a common language assign to a word. Connotation is the subjective or emotional meaning that specific speakers or listeners give to a word. Take as an example the word migrants (used to designate Mexicans coming into the United States to better their economic condition) with the word settlers (meaning Europeans who came to the United States for the same reason) Though both terms describe essentially the same activity (and are essentially the same denotatively), they differ widely in their connotations, with the former often negatively evaluated and the latter often positively valued. Semanticist S. L Hayakawa coined the terms snarl words and purr words to clarify further the distinction between denotation and connotation. Snarl words are highly negative: "She's an idiot," "He's a pig," "They're a bunch of losers." Purr words are highly positive: "She's a real sweetheart," "He's a dream," "They're the greatest." Snarl and purr words, although they may sometimes seem to have denotative meaning and to refer to the "real world," are actually connotative in meaning. These terms do not describe objective realities but rather express the speaker's feelings about people or events.

MESSAGES VARY IN ABSTRACTION

Consider the following terms:

• Entertainment

• Film

• American film

• Class American films

• Casablanca

At the top is an abstraction, or general concept-entertainment. Note that entertainment includes all the other items on the list plus various other items-television, novels, drama, comics, and so on. Film is more specific and concrete. It includes all of the items below it as well as various other items such as Indian film or Russian film. It excludes, however, all entertainment that is not film. American film is again more specific than film and excludes all films that are not American. Classic American films further limits American film to those considered to be timeless. Casablanca specifies concretely the one item to which reference is made. A verbal message that uses the most general term-in this case, entertainment-will conjure up many different images in listeners' minds. One person may focus on television, another on music, another on comic books, and still another on radio. To some listeners, the word film may bring to mind the early silent films; to others it may connote high-tech special effects; to still others it will recall Disney's animated cartoons. Casablanca guides listeners still further-in this case, to one film. So, as you get more specific-less abstract-you more effectively guide the images that come to your listeners' minds. Effective verbal messages include words that range widely in abstractness. At times a general term may suit your needs best; at other times a more specific term may serve better. The widely accepted recommendation for effective communication is to use abstractions sparingly and to express your meanings explicitly with words that are low in abstraction.

MESSAGES CAN DECEIVE

Although we operate on the assumption that people tell the truth, it should come as no surprise to learn that some people do lie. Lying also begets more lying; when one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying increases. Lying refers to the act of sending messages with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false. Large cultural differences exist in the way lying is defined and in the way lying is treated. For example, as children get older, Chinese and Taiwanese (but not Canadians) see lying about the good deeds that they do as positive (as you'd expect for cultures that emphasize modesty), and taking credit for these same good deeds is seen negatively. Some cultures consider lying to be more important than others-in one study, [or example, European Americans viewed lies less negatively than did Ecuadorians. Both, however, felt that lying to an out-group member was more acceptable than lying to an in-group member.

Types of Lies

Lies vary greatly in type; each lie seems a bit different from every other lie. Here is one useful system that classifies lies into four types:

Pro-Social Deception: To Achieve Some Good. These are lies that are designed to benefit the person lied to or lied about- for example, praising a person's effort to give him or her more confidence.

Self-Enhancement Deception: To Make Yourself Look Good. Presenting yourself as younger or as having a better job, in your social networking profile is a common example.

Selfish Deception: To Protect Yourself. These lies protect you, for example, not answering the phone because you want to do something else.

Anti-Social Deception: To Harm Someone. These lies are designed to hurt another person, for example, spreading false rumors about someone or falsely accusing an opposing candidate of some wrongdoing.

The Behavior of Liars

One of the more interesting questions about lying is how liars behave. Do they act differently from those telling the truth? And, if they do act differently, how can we tell when someone is lying? These questions are not easy to answer, and we are far from having complete answers to them. But we have learned a great deal For example, after an examination of 120 research studies, the following behaviors were found to most often accompany lying:

Liars hold back. They speak more slowly (perhaps to monitor what they're saying), take longer to respond to questions (again, perhaps monitoring their messages), and generally give less information and elaboration.

Liars make less sense. Liars' messages contain more discrepancies, more inconsistencies.

Liars give a more negative impression. Generally, liars are seen as less willing to be cooperative, smile less than truth-tellers, and are more defensive.

Liars are tense. The tension may be revealed by their higher pitched voices and their excessive body movements.

It is very difficult to detect when a person is lying and when a person is telling the truth. The hundreds of research studies conducted on this topic find that in most instances people judge lying accurately in less than 60 percent of the cases, only slightly better than chance. Lie detection is even more difficult (that is, less accurate) in long-standing romantic relationships-the very relationships in which the most significant lying occurs. One important reason for this is the truth bias: we assume that the person is telling the truth. This truth bias is especially strong in long-term relationships where it's simply expected that each person tells the truth.

MESSAGES VARY IN POLITENESS

It will come as no surprise that messages vary greatly in politeness. Polite messages (such as compliments or pats on the back reflect positively on the other person (contributing to positive face). They also respect the other person's right to be independent and autonomous, as when you ask permission or acknowledge the person's right to refuse (contributing to negative face needs). Impolite messages (criticism or negative facial expressions) attack our needs to be seen positively and to be autonomous.

Politeness and Directness

Direct messages are usually less polite than indirect messages: "Write me a recommendation," "Lend me $100. Indirectness- "Do you think you could write a recommendation for me?" "Would it be possible to lend me $100?"-is often more polite because it allows the person to maintain autonomy and provides an acceptable way for the person to refuse your request.

Indirect messages allow you to express a desire without insulting or offending anyone; they allow you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, "I'm bored with this group," you say, "It's getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow." Instead of saying, "This food tastes like cardboard," you say, "I just started my diet." In each instance you're stating a preference but are saying it indirectly so as to avoid offending someone. The differences between direct and indirect messages may easily create misunderstandings. For example, a person who uses an indirect style of speech may be doing so to be polite and may have been taught this style by his or her culture. If you assume, instead, that the person is using indirectness to be manipulative, because your culture regards it so, then miscommunication is inevitable.

Politeness and Gender

There are considerable gender differences in politeness. Among the research findings are, for example, that women are more polite and more indirect in giving orders than are men; they are more likely to say for example, "It would be great if these letters could go out today" than "Have these letters out by three." Men are more likely to be indirect when they express weakness, reveal a problem, or admit an error. Generally, men will speak indirectly when expressing meanings that violate the masculine stereotype (e.g., messages of weakness or doubt or incompetence). Women's greater politeness is also seen in the finding that women express empathy, sympathy, and supportiveness more than men. Women also apologize more than men, and both women and men make most of their apologies to women. Politeness online internet communication has very specific rules for politeness, called netiquette. Much as the rules of etiquette provide guidance in communicating in social situations, the rules of netiquette provide guidance in communicating online, and they concern everyone using computer-mediated communication (CMC). These rules are helpful for making internet communication more pleasant and easier and also for achieving greater personal efficiency. As you review these guidelines think of how you might apply them to specific online communication, say, e-mailing your instructor or inquiring about a job:

Familiarize yourself with the site or rules for communicating before contributing. Before asking questions about the system, read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs). "Lurk" before speaking. Lurking (which, in CMC, is good) will help you learn the rules.

Be brief. Communicate only the information that is needed clearly, briefly, and in an organized way.

Don't shout. WRITING IN CAPS IS PERCEIVED AS SHOUTING. It's okay to use capital letters occasionally to achieve emphasis. If you wish to give emphasis, however, it's better to highlight like _this_ or “this”.

Don't spam or "flame". Don't send unsolicited mail, repeatedly send the same mail, or post the same message (or irrelevant messages) to lots of people or groups. As in face-to-face conflicts, don't make personal attacks on other users.

Avoid offensive language. Refrain from expressions that would be considered offensive to others, such as sexist or racist terms.

Be polite. Follow the same rules of behavior online that you would in a face-to-face encounter.

A special case of online politeness concerns the ever popular social networking sites, which have developed their own rules of netiquette, some of which are noted in Table 4.1.

TABLE4.1 Social Networking Politeness

The social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace have developed their own rules of politeness. Here are five such rules:

Rules of Politeness	The Rule in Operation
Engage in networking feedforward before requesting friendship.	Sending a message complimenting the person's latest post provides some background and eases the way for a friendship request.
Avoid negativity.	Avoid writing negative or embarrassing messages or posting unflattering photos that may generate conflict.
Keep networking information confidential.	It's considered inappropriate and impolite to relay information on Facebook, for example, to those who are not themselves friends.
Be gentle in refusals.	Refuse any request for friendship gently or, if you wish, ignore it. If you're refused, don't ask for reasons; it's considered impolite.
Avoid making potentially embarrassing requests.	Avoid asking to be friends with someone who you suspect may have reasons for not wanting to admit you. For example, your work associate may not want you to see her or his profile.

MESSAGES CAN BE ONYMOUS OR ANONYMOUS

Some messages are Onymous messages or "Signed"; that is, the author of the message is clearly identified, as it is in your textbooks, news-related editorials, feature articles, and of course when you communicate face-to-face and, usually, by phone or chat. In many cases, you have the opportunity to respond directly to the speaker/writer and voice your opinions, your agreement or disagreement, for example. Other messages are anonymous: the author is not identified. For example, on faculty evaluation questionnaires and on online ratings websites, the ratings and the comments are published anonymously.  The Internet has made anonymity extremely easy and there are currently a variety of web sites that offer to send your e-mails to your boss, your ex-partner, your secret crush, your noisy neighbors, or your inadequate lawyer-all anonymously, Thus, your message gets sent but you are not identified with it. For good or ill, you don't have to deal with the consequences of your message. One obvious advantage of anonymity is that it allows people to voice opinions that may be unpopular and may thus encourage greater honesty. In the case of ratings websites, for example, anonymity ensures that the student writing negative comments about an instructor will not be penalized. An anonymous e-mail to a sexual partner informing him or her about your having an STD and suggesting testing and treatment might never get said in a face-to-face or phone conversation. The presumption is that anonymity encourages honesty and openness. Anonymity also enables people to disclose their inner feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams with a depth of feeling that they may be otherwise reluctant to do. A variety of websites which enable you to maintain anonymity are available for these purposes. And in these cases, not only are you anonymous but the people who read your messages are also anonymous, a situation that is likely to encourage a greater willingness to disclosure and to make disclosures at a deeper level than otherwise. An obvious disadvantage is that anonymity might encourage people to go to extremes since there are no consequences to the message-to voice opinions that are outrageous. This in turn can easily spark conflict that is likely to prove largely unproductive. With anonymous messages, you can't evaluate the credibility of the source. Advice on depression, for example, may come from someone who knows nothing about depression and may make useless recommendations.

MESSAGES VARY IN ASSERTIVENESS

Assertiveness refers to a willingness to stand up for your rights but with respect for the rights of others. Assertive people operate with an "I win, you win" philosophy; they assume that both parties can gain something from an interaction, even from a confrontation. Assertive people are more positive and score lower on measures of hopelessness than do nonassertive. Assertive people are willing to assert their own rights, but unlike their aggressive counterparts, they don't hurt others in the process. Assertive people speak their minds and welcome others' doing likewise.

Realize that, as with many other aspects of communication, there will be wide cultural differences when it comes to assertiveness. For example, the values of assertiveness are more likely to be extolled in individualist cultures than in collectivist cultures. Assertiveness will be valued more by those cultures that stress competition, individual success, and independence. It will be valued much less by those cultures that stress cooperation, group success, and interdependence of all members. U.S. students, for example, are found to be significantly more assertive than Japanese and Korean students. Thus, for a given situation, assertiveness may be an effective strategy in one culture but would create problems in another. Assertiveness with an elder in many Asian and Hispanic cultures may be seen as insulting and disrespectful. Most people are nonassertive in particular situations, If you're one of these people, and if you wish to modify your behavior, here are some suggestions for communicating assertiveness: (If you are always nonassertive and are unhappy about this, then you may need to work with a therapist to change your behavior.)

Describe the problem; don't evaluate or judge it. We're all working on this advertising project together. 'You're missing half our meetings and you still haven't produced your first report. Be sure to use I-messages and to avoid messages that accuse or blame the other person.

State how this problem affects you; tell the person how you feel. My job depends on the success of this project, and I don't think it's fair that I have to do extra work to make up for what you're not doing.

 Describe or visualize the situation if your solution were put into effect. If you can get your report to the group by Tuesday, we'll still be able to meet our deadline. I could give you a call on Monday to remind you.

Confirm understanding. It's clear that we can't produce this project if you're not going to pull your own weight. Will you have the report to us by Tuesday?

Keep in mind that assertiveness is not always the most desirable response. Effectively assertive people are assertive when they want to be, but they can back down if the situation calls for it-for example: when they risk emotionally hurting another person. Let's say that an older relative wishes you to do something for her or him. You could assert your rights and say no, but because this would probably hurt this person's feelings, it might be better simply to do as asked. A note of caution should be added to this discussion, it's easy to visualize a situation such as this one: People are talking behind you in a movie theater and you drawing from your newfound enthusiasm for assertiveness-tell them to be quiet. It's also easy to see yourself getting smashed in the teeth as a result. In applying the principles of assertive communication, be careful that you don't go beyond what you can handle effectively.

MESSAGES ARE INFLUENCED BY CULTURE AND GENDER

Your verbal messages are influenced in large part by your culture and gender. Let's look first at some of the cultural influences.

Cultural Influences

Your culture teaches you that certain ways of using verbal messages are acceptable and certain ways are not. When you follow these cultural rules, or cultural principles, in communicating, you're seen as a properly functioning member of the culture. When you violate the principles, you risk being seen as deviant or perhaps as offensive. Here are a variety of such principles:

Principle of cooperation; in any communication interaction, both parties will hope for cooperation- that they will make an effort to help each other to understand each. That is, we assume cooperation, for example, that the other person will tell the truth, talk about what is relevant, and be as dear and as informative as possible.

Principle of peaceful relations; this principle holds that when you communicate, your primary goal is to maintain peaceful relationships. This means that you would never insult anyone; in fact, when communicating according to this principle, you may even express agreement with someone when you really disagree, which violates the principle of cooperation.

Principle of self-denigration; this principle advises you to avoid taking credit for accomplishments and to minimize your abilities or talents in conversation. At the same time, through self-denigration you raise the image of the people with whom you're talking.

Principle of directness; as explained earlier, directness and indirectness communicate different impressions. Levels of directness also vary greatly from culture to culture and between men and women. In most of the United States, directness is the preferred style. "Be up front" and "Tell it like it is" are commonly heard communication guidelines.

Contrast these with the following two principles of indirectness found in the Japanese language:

Omolyari; close in meaning to empathy, says that listeners need to understand the speaker without the speaker's being specific or direct. This style places a much greater demand on the listener than would a direct speaking style.

Sassuru advises listeners to anticipate a speaker's meanings and to use subtle cues from the speaker to infer his or her total meaning.

Cultural differences often can create misunderstandings, for example, a person from a culture that values an indirect style of speech may be speaking indirectly to be polite. If, however, you're from a culture that values a more direct style of speech, you may assume that the person is using indirectness to be manipulative, which may be how your culture regards indirectness.

Gender Influences

Verbal messages reflect considerable gender influences also. For example, studies from various different cultures show that women's speech is more polite than men's speech, even on the telephone. Women seek areas of agreement in conversation and in conflict situations more often than men do. Similarly, young girls are more apt to try to modify expressions of disagreement, whereas young boys are apt to express more "bald disagreements". Women also use more polite speech when seeking to gain another person's compliance than men do.

Disconfirmation and Confirmation

The terms confirmation and disconfirmation refer to the extent to which you acknowledge another person. Consider this situation. You've been living with someone for the last six months and you arrive home late one night. Your partner, let's say Pat, is angry and complains about your being so late. Which of the following is most likely to be your response?

1. Stop screaming. I'm not interested in what you're babbling about. I'll do what I want, when I want. I'm going to bed.

2. What are you so angry about? Didn't you get in three hours late last Thursday when you went to that office party? So knock it off.

3. I don't blame you for being angry. I should have called to tell you I was going to be late, but I got involved in an argument at work, and I couldn't leave until it was resolved.

In response 1, you dismiss Pat's anger and even indicate dismissal of Pat as a person. In response 2, you reject the validity of Pat's reasons for being angry but do not dismiss either Pat's feelings of anger or Pat as a person. In response 3, you acknowledge Pat's anger and the reasons for it. In addition, you provide some kind of explanation and, in doing so, show-that both Pat's feelings and Pat as a person are important and that Pat has the right to know what happened. The first response is an example of disconfirmation, the second of rejection, and the third of confirmation, Disconfirmation is a communication pattern in which we ignore someone's presence as well as that person's communications. We say, in effect, that this person and what this person has to say arc not worth serious attention or effort. The Amish community practices an extreme form of disconfirmation called "shunning," in which the community members totally ignore a person who has violated one or more of their rules. The specific aim of shunning is to get the person to repent and to reenter the community of the faithful. All cultures practice some form of exclusion for those who violate important cultural rules. Note that rejection is not the same as disconfirmation, in rejection, you disagree with the person; you indicate your unwillingness to accept something the other person says or does. However, you do not deny that person's significance. Confirmation is the opposite of disconfirmation, in confirmation you not only acknowledge the presence of the other person but also indicate your acceptance of this person, of this person's self-definition, and of your relationship as defined or viewed by this other person. Disconfirmation and confirmation may be communicated in a wide variety of ways. Table 4.2 shows a few examples.

TABLE 4.2 Confirmation and Disconfirmation

Disconfirmation	Confirmation
Ignore the presence or contributions of the other person; express indifference to what the other person says.	Acknowledge the presence and the contributions of the other person by interacting with what he or she says.
Make no nonverbal contact; avoid direct eye contact; avoid touching and general nonverbal closeness.	Make nonverbal contact by maintaining direct eye contact and, when appropriate, touching, hugging, kissing, and otherwise demonstrating acknowledgment of the other person.
Monologue; engage in communication in which one person speaks and one person listens; there is no real interaction; there is no real concern or respect for each other.	Dialogue; engage in communication in which both persons are speakers and listeners; both are involved; both are concerned with and have respect for each other.
Jump to interpretation or evaluation rather than working at understanding what the other person means.	Demonstrate understanding of what the other person says and means and reflect your understanding in what you say, or when in doubt ask questions.
Discourage, interrupt or otherwise make it difficult for the other person to express himself or herself.	Encourage the other person to express his or her thoughts and feelings by showing interest and asking questions.
Avoid responding, or respond tangentially by acknowledging the other person's comment but shifting the focus of the message in another direction.	Respond directly and exclusively to what the other person says.

You can gain insight into a wide variety of offensive language practices by viewing them as types of disconfirmation-as language that alienates and separates. Four obvious disconfirming practices are racism, heterosexism, ageism, and sexism; we'll look at these practices next.

Another" -ism" is ableism-discrimination against people with disabilities. This particular practice is handled throughout this text in a series of tables offering tips for communicating with people with and without a variety of communication disabilities:

• Between people with and without hearing problems (Chapter 3)

• Between people with and without visual problems (Chapter 5)

• Between people with and without speech and language disorders (Chapter 6)

RACIST SPEECH

Racist speech is speech that puts down, minimizes, and marginalizes a person or group because of their race. Not only does racist speech express racist attitudes, it also contributes to the development of racist attitudes in those who use or hear the language. Even when racism is subtle, unintentional, or even unconscious, its effects are systematically damaging. Racism exists on both individual and institutional levels. Individual racism takes the form of negative attitudes and beliefs held about specific races. Assumptions that certain races are intellectually inferior to others or incapable of particular types of achievements are clear examples of individual racism. Prejudices against American Indians, African Americans, Hispanics, and Arabs, in particular, have been with us throughout U.S. history and arc still a part of many people's lives today. Such racism can be seen, for example, in the negative terminology that some people use to refer-to members of other races and to disparage their customs and accomplishments.

Institutional racism takes forms such as communities’ de facto school segregation, companies' reluctance to hire members of minority groups, and banks' unwillingness to extend loans to members of some ethnic groups or readiness to charge these groups higher interest rates.

Here are some "obvious" suggestions for avoiding racist speech:

• Avoid using derogatory terms for members of a particular race.

• Avoid basing your interactions with members of other races on stereotypes perpetuated by the media.

• Avoid mentioning race when it's irrelevant, as in references to "the African American surgeon" or "the Asian athlete"

• Avoid attributing individuals' economic or social problems to the race of the individuals rather than to their actual sources: for example, institutionalized racism or general economic problems that affect everyone.

HETEROSEXIST SPEECH

Heterosexist speech also exists on both individual and institutional levels. Individual heterosexism refers to attitudes, behaviors, and language that disparage gay men and lesbians and includes the belief that all sexual behavior that is not heterosexual is unnatural and deserving of criticism and condemnation. Such beliefs are at the heart of antigay violence and "gay bashing." Individual heterosexisrn also includes the idea that homosexuals are more likely than heterosexuals to commit crimes (actually, they are neither more nor less likely) or to molest children (actually, child molesters are overwhelmingly heterosexual married men). It also includes the belief that homosexuals cannot maintain stable relationships or effectively raise children, a belief that contradicts research. Institutional heterosexism is easy to identify. The ban on gay marriage in many states and the fact that at this time only a handful of states allow gay marriage is a good example of institutional heterosexisrn. In some cultures homosexual relations are illegal (for example, in Pakistan, Yemen, and Iran, with sentences that can range from years in prison to death). And, interestingly enough, in some cultures homosexual relationships are illegal for men but legal for women (tor example, in Palau, Cook Islands, Tonga, and Guyana). Heterosexist speech includes derogatory terms used for lesbians and gay men. For example, surveys in the military showed that 80 percent of those surveyed had heard "offensive speech, derogatory names, jokes or remarks about gays" and that 85 percent believed that such derogatory speech was "tolerated". You also see heterosexism in more subtle forms of language usage; for example, someone who qualifies a person’s-profession with "gay" or "lesbian" -as in "gay athlete" or "lesbian doctor" -says in effect that athletes and doctors are not normally gay or lesbian. Still another instance of heterosexisrn is the presumption of heterosexuality. Usually, people assume the person they're talking to or about are heterosexual. And usually they're correct, because most people are heterosexual. At the same time, however, this presumption denies the legitimacy of a lesbian or gay identity. This practice is very similar to the social presumptions of whiteness and maleness that we have taken significant steps toward eliminating.

Here are a few additional suggestions for avoiding heterosexist (or what some call homophobic) speech:

• Avoid offensive nonverbal mannerisms that parody stereotypes when talking about gay men and lesbians. Avoid the "startle eyeblink" with which some people react to gay couples.

• Avoid "complimenting" gay men and lesbians by saying that they "don't look it. This is not a compliment.

• Avoid making the assumption that every gay or lesbian knows what every other gay or lesbian is thinking. It's very similar to asking a Japanese person why-Sony is investing heavily in the United States or, as one comic put it, asking an African American, "What do you think Jesse Jackson meant by that last speech?"

• Avoid denying individual differences. Comments such as "Lesbians are so loyal" or "Gay men are so open with their feelings" ignore the reality of wide differences within any group and are potentially insulting to all groups.

• Avoid overattribution-the tendency to attribute almost everything a person does, says, and believes to the fact that tile person is gay or lesbian. This tendency helps to activate and perpetuate stereotypes.

• Remember that relationship milestones are important to all people. Ignoring anniversaries or, say, the birthday of a relative's partner is bound to cause resentment.

AGEIST SPEECH

Although used mainly to refer to prejudice against older people, the term ageism can refer to prejudice against people of other age groups also. For example, if you describe all teenagers as selfish and undependable, you're discriminating against a group purely because of their age and thus are ageist in your statements. In some cultures, some Asian and African cultures, for example-the old are revered and respected. Younger people seek out elders for advice on economic, ethical, and relationship issues. Individual ageism can be seen, for example, in the general disrespect many people exhibit toward older people and in negative age based stereotypes. Institutional ageism can be seen in mandatory retirement laws and age restrictions in certain occupations (rather than restrictions based on demonstrated competence). In less obvious forms ageism emerges in the media's portrayal of old people as incompetent, complaining, and, as evidenced perhaps most clearly in both television and films, lacking romantic feelings. Rarely, for example, do television shows or films show older people working productively, being cooperative and pleasant, and engaging in romantic and sexual relationships. Popular language is replete with examples of linguistic ageism; expressions such as “little old lady," "old hag," "old-timer," "over the hill," "old coot," and “old fogy" are some examples. As with sexism, qualifying a description of someone in terms of his or her age demonstrates ageism. For example, if you refer to "a quick-witted 75-year-old" or "an agile 65-year-old" or "a responsible teenager," you're implying that these qualities are unusual in people of these ages and thus need special mention. One of the problems with this kind of stereotyping is that it's simply wrong. There are, for example, many 75-year-olds who are extremely quick-witted (and, for that matter, many 30-year-olds who aren't).

One useful way to avoid ageism is to recognize and avoid the illogical stereotypes that ageist language is based on:

o   Avoid talking down to a person because he or she is older. Most older people remain mentally alert.

o   Don't assume that older people don't know pop culture or technology.

o   Refrain from refreshing an older person's memory each time you see the person. Assume that older people remember things.

o   Avoid implying that relationships are no longer important. Older people continue to be interested in relationships.

o   Speak at a normal volume and maintain a normal physical distance. Being older does not necessarily mean being hard of hearing or being unable to see.

o   Engage older people in conversation as you would wish to be engaged. Older people are interested in the world around them.

SEXIST SPEECH

Sexist speech also exists on both an individual and an institutional level. Individual sexism involves prejudicial attitudes about men or women based on rigid beliefs about gender roles.

These beliefs may include, for example, the notion that all women should be caretakers, should be sensitive at all times, and should acquiesce to men's decisions concerning political or financial matters. Other sexist beliefs imply that all men are insensitive, interested only in sex, and incapable of communicating feelings.

Institutional sexism involved customs and practices that discriminate against people because of their gender. Clear examples come from the world of business: the widespread practice of paying women less than men for the same job and the frequent discrimination against women in the upper levels of management. Another dear example of institutionalized sexism is the divorce courts' practice of automatically, or almost automatically, granting custody to the mother rather than the father. Of particular interest here is sexist language-language that disparages someone because of his or her gender (but usually language derogatory toward women). The National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) has proposed guidelines for nonsexist (gender-free, gender­ neutral, or sex-fair) language.

These guidelines concern the use of the generic word man, the use of generic he and his, and sex role stereotyping:

o   Avoid using man generically. Using the term to refer to both men and women emphasizes maleness at the expense of femaleness. Gender-neutral terms can easily be substituted. Instead of "mankind," say "humanity:' "people" or "human beings" Similarly, the use of terms such as policeman or fireman and other terms that presume maleness as the norm-and femaleness as a deviation from this norm-are dear and common examples of sexist language.

o   Avoid using he and his as generic. Instead, you can alternate pronouns or restructure your sentences to eliminate any reference to gender. For example, the NCTE guidelines suggest that instead of saying, "The average student is worried about his grades;' you say, "The average student is worried about grades."

o   Avoid sex role stereotyping. When you make the hypothetical elementary school teacher female and the college professor male or refer to doctors as male and nurses as female, you're sex role stereotyping, as you are when you mention the sex of a professional in terms such as "female doctor" or "male nurse:'

CULTURAL IDENTIFIERS

One way to develop nonracist, nonheterosexist, nonageist, and nonsexist speech is to examine the preferred cultural identifiers to use in talking to and about members of different groups. Keep in mind, however, that preferred terms frequently change over time, so keep in touch with the most current preferences. One general guideline is to include rather than exclude; excluding is a form of talk in which you use the terms of your own cultural group as universal, as applying to everyone. For example, church refers to the place of worship for some religions, not all religions. Similarly, Bible refers to the Christian religious scriptures and is not a general term for religious scriptures. Nor does the Judeo-Christian tradition include the religious traditions of everyone. Similarly, the terms marriage, husband, and wife refer to some heterosexual relationships and exclude others; in most of the world they also exclude gay and lesbian relationships. Consider the vast array of alternative terms that are inclusive rather than exclusive. For example, the Association of American University Presses recommends using place of worship instead of church when you wish to include the religious houses of worship of all people. Similarly, committed relationship is more inclusive than marriage, couples therapy is more inclusive than marriage counseling, and life partner is more inclusive than husband or wife, religious scriptures is more inclusive than Bible. Of course, if you're referring to, say, a specific Baptist church or married heterosexual couples, then the terms church and marriage are perfectly appropriate.

Race and Nationality

Some research finds that the term African American is preferred over black in referring to Americans of African descent. Other research, however, concludes that "a majority of blacks in America today do not have a preference. Black is often used with white, as well as in a variety of other contexts (for example, Department of Black and Puerto Rican Studies, the Journal of Black Studies, and Black History Month)." The American Psychological Association recommends that both terms-White and Black-be capitalized, but The Chicago Manual of Style recommends using lowercase. The terms Negro and colored, although used in the names of some organizations (e.g., the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)" are not used outside these contexts. White is generally used to refer to those whose roots are in European cultures and usually does not include Hispanics. Analogous to African American (which itself is based on a long tradition of terms such as Irish American and Italian American) is the phrase European American. Few European Americans, however, call themselves that; most prefer to emphasize their national origins, as in, for example, German American or Greek American. People of color-a more literary-sounding term appropriate perhaps to public speaking but may sound awkward in many conversations-is preferred to nonwhite, which implies that whiteness is the norm and nonwhiteness is a deviation from that norm. The same is true of the term non-Christian: It implies that people who have other beliefs deviate from the norm. Generally, Hispanic refers to anyone who identifies himself or herself as belonging to a. Spanish-speaking culture. Latina (female) and Latino (male) refer to persons whose roots are in one of the Latin American countries, such as Haiti or Guatemala. Hispanic American refers to U.S. residents whose ancestry is in a Spanish culture; the term includes Mexican, Caribbean, and Central and South Americans. 1n emphasizing Spanish heritage, however, the term is really inaccurate; it leaves out the large numbers of people in the Caribbean and in South America whose origins are African, Native American, French, or Portuguese. Chicana (female) and Chicano (male) refer to persons with roots in Mexico, although it often connotes a nationalist attitude. Mexican American is generally preferred Inuk (plural. Inuit); also spelled with two n's. (Innuk and Innuit), is preferred to Eskimo (a term the U.S. Census Bureau uses), a term applied to the indigenous peoples of Alaska and Canada by Europeans and that literally means "raw meat eaters." The word Indian technically refers only to someone from India, not to members of other Asian countries or to the indigenous peoples of North America. American Indian or Native American is preferred, even though many Native Americans do refer to themselves as Indians and Indian people. The word squaw, used to refer to a Native American woman and still used in some U.S. place names and textbooks, is clearly a term to be avoided; its usage is almost always negative and insulting. In Canada indigenous people are called first people or first nations. The term native American (with a lowercase n) is most often used to refer to persons born in the United States. Although technically the term could refer to anyone born in North or South America, people outside the United States generally prefer more specific designations such as Argentinean, Cuban, or Canadian. The term native describes an indigenous inhabitant; it is not used to indicate "someone having a less developed culture." Muslim (rather than the older Moslem) is the preferred form to refer to a person who adheres to the religious teachings of Islam, Quran (rather than Koran) is the preferred term for the scriptures of Islam. Jewish people are often preferred to Jews, and Jewess (a Jewish female) is considered derogatory. When English-language history book were being written exclusively from a European perspective, Europe was taken as the focal point and the rest of the world was defined in terms of its location relative to that continent. Thus, Asia became "the East" or "the Orient," and Asians became "Orientals" -a term that is today considered inappropriate or "Eurocentric." It is preferable simply to refer to people from Asia as Asians, just as people from Africa are Africans and people from Europe are Europeans.

Affectional Orientation

Generally, gay is the preferred term to refer to a man who has an affectional preference for other men, and lesbian is the preferred term for a woman who has an affectional preference for other women. (Lesbian means "homosexual woman," so the term lesbian woman is redundant.) Homosexual refers to both gays and lesbians, but more often to a sexual orientation to members of one's own sex. Gay and lesbian refer to a gay and lesbian identification and not only to sexual behavior. Gay as a noun, although widely used, may prove offensive in some contexts, as in "'We have gays in our office." Because most scientific thinking holds that sexuality is largely biologically determined, the terms sexual orientation and affectional orientation are preferred to sexual preference or sexual status (which also is vague). In the case of same-sex marriages-there are two husbands or two wives, In a male-male marriage, each person is referred to as husband and in the case of female-female marriage, each person is referred to as wife. Some same-sex couples-especially those who are not married-prefer the term "partner" or "lover".

Age

Older person is generally preferred to elder, elderly, senior, or senior citizen (which technically refers to someone older than 65). Terms designating age are rarely necessary. There are times, of course, when you need to refer to a person's age group, but most of the time you don't-in much the same way that gender, race, and affectional orientation terms are usually irrelevant.

Sex

Generally, the term girl should be used only to refer to very young females and is equivalent to boy. Neither term should be used for people older than 13 or 14. Girl is never used to refer to a grown woman, nor is boy used to refer to people in blue-collar positions, as it once was. Lady is negatively evaluated by many because it connotes the stereotype of the prim and proper woman. 'Woman or young woman is preferred. The term madam, originally an honorific used to show respect, is probably best avoided since today it's often used as a verbal tag to comment (indirectly) on the woman's age or marital status.

'I'ransgendered people (people who identify themselves as members of the sex opposite to the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight. male or female) are addressed according to their self-identified sex. Thus, if the person identifies herself as a woman, then the feminine name and pronouns are used-regardless of the person's biological sex. If the person identifies himself as a man, then the masculine name and pronouns are used. Transvestites (people who prefer at times to dress in the clothing of the sex other than the one they were assigned at birth and who may be gay or straight, male or female) are addressed on the basis of their clothing. If the person is dressed as a woman -regardless of the birth-assigned sex-she is referred to and addressed with feminine pronouns and feminine name. If the person is dressed as a man-regardless of the birth-assigned sex-he is referred to and addressed with masculine pronouns and masculine name.

Principles for Using Verbal Messages Effectively

The principles governing the verbal messages system suggest a variety of practices for using language more effectively. Here are six additional guidelines for making your verbal messages more effective and a more accurate ret1ection of the world in which we live:

(1) Extensionalize-avoid intensional orientation

(2) See the individual-avoid allness,

(3) Distinguish between facts and inferences-avoid fact-inference confusion

(4) Discriminate among-avoid indiscrimination

(5) Talk about the middle-avoid polarization, and

(6) Update messages-avoid static evaluation.

EXTENSIONALlZE: AVOID INTENSIONAL ORIENTATION

Intensional orientation refers to the tendency to view people, objects, and events in terms of how they're talked about or labeled rather than in terms of how they actually exist. Extensional orientation is the opposite: the tendency to look first at the actual people, objects, and events and then at the labels-to be guided by what you see happening rather than by the way something or someone is talked about. Intensional orientation occurs when you act as if the words and labels were more important than the things they represent-as if the map were more important than the territory. In its extreme form, intensional orientation is seen in the person who is afraid of dogs and who begins to sweat when shown a picture of a dog or when hearing people talk about dogs. Here the person is responding to a label as if it were the actual thing. In its more common form, intensional orientation occurs when you see people through your schemata instead of on the basis of their specific behaviors. For example, it occurs when you think of a professor as an unworldly egghead before getting to know the specific professor. The corrective to intensional orientation is to focus first on the specific object, person, or event and then on the way in which the object, person, or event is talked about. Labels are certainly helpful guides but don't allow them to obscure what they're meant to symbolize.

SEETHE INDIVIDUAL: AVOID ALLNESS

The world is infinitely complex, and because of this you can never say all there is to say about anything at least not logically. This is particularly true when you are dealing with people. You may think you know all there is to know about certain individuals or about why they do what they do, but you don't know everything. You may, for example, go on a first date with someone who, at least during the first hour or so, turns out to be less interesting than you would have liked. Because of this initial impression you may infer that this person is generally dull. Yet, it could be that this person is simply ill-at-ease or shy during first meetings. The problem is that you run the risk of judging a person on the basis of a very short acquaintanceship. Further, if you then define this person as dull, you're likely to treat the person as dull and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. A useful extensional device that can help you avoid allness is to end each statement, sometimes verbally but always mentally, with an et cetera (etc.)-a reminder that there is more to learn, know, and say; that every statement is inevitably incomplete. To be sure, some people overuse "et cetera." They use it as a substitute for being specific, which defeats its purpose. Instead, it should be used to mentally remind you that there is more to know and more to say.

DISTINGUISH BETWEEN FACTS AND INFERENCES: AVOID FACT-INFERENCE CONFUSION

Language enables you to form statements of facts and inferences without making any linguistic distinction between the two. Similarly, when you listen to such statements you often don't make a dear distinction between statements of facts and statements of inference, yet there are great differences between the two. Barriers to clear thinking can result when inferences are treated as facts, a tendency called fact-inference confusion. For example, you can make statements about things that you observe, and you can make statements about things that you have not observed. In form or structure these statements are similar; they cannot be distinguished from each other by any grammatical analysis. You can say, "She is wearing a blue jacket" as well as "She is harboring an illogical hatred." If you were to diagram these sentences, they would yield identical structures, and yet you know that they're different types of statements. In the first sentence, you can observe the jacket and the blue color; the sentence constitutes a factual statement. But how do you observe "illogical hatred"? This is an inferential rather than a descriptive statement, made not on the basis solely of what you observe but on the basis this plus your own conclusions. Making inferential statements is necessary if you're to talk about much that is meaningful. However, a problem arises when you act as though those inferential statements are factual statements. Distinguishing between these types of statements does not imply that one type is better than the other. Both types of statements are useful and important. The problem arises when you treat an inferential statement as if it were fact. Phrase your inferential statements as tentative. Recognize that such statements may be wrong. Leave open the possibility of other alternatives.

DISCRIMINATE AMONG: AVOID INDISCRIMINATION

Everything is unique. Language, however, provides common nouns, such as teacher, student, friend, enemy, war, politician, liberal, and the like, that may lead you to focus on similarities within the group rather than individuals' differences.

Indiscrimination, a form of stereotyping, can be seen in such statements as these:

• He's just like the rest of them: lazy, stupid, a real slob.

• I really don't want another ethnic on the board of directors, one is enough for me.

• Read a romance novel? I read one when I was 16. That was enough to convince me.

A useful antidote to indiscrimination is the extensional device called the index, a spoken or mental subscript that identifies each individual in a group as an individual even though all members of the group may be covered by the same label. For example, when you think and talk of an individual politician as only a "politician, you may fail to see the uniqueness in this politician and the differences between this particular politician and other politicians. However, when you think with the index-when you think not of politician but of politician 1 or politician 2 or politician 3- you're less likely to fall into the trap of indiscrimination and more likely to focus on the differences among politicians. The same is true with members of cultural, national, or religious groups; when you think and even talk of Iraqi 1, and Iraqi 2, you'll be reminded that not all Iraqis arc the same. The more you discriminate among individuals covered by the same label, the less likely you are to discriminate against any group.

TALK ABOUT THE MIDDLE: AVOID POLARIZATION

Polarization, often referred to as the fallacy of either/or, is the tendency to look at the world and to describe it in terms of extremes-good or had, positive or negative, healthy or sick, brilliant or stupid, rich or poor, and so on. Polarized statements come in many forms.

Here are some examples:

• After listening to the evidence, I'm still not sure who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.

• Well, are you for us or against us?

• College had better get me a good job. Otherwise, this has been a big waste of time.

Most people and situations exist somewhere between the extremes of good and bad, healthy and sick, brilliant and stupid, rich and poor. Yet there seems to be a strong tendency to view only the extremes and to categorize people, objects, and events in terms of these polar opposites.

You can easily demonstrate this tendency by filling in the opposites for each of the following words:

Opposites

Tall     __________________________________             _____________________________

Heavy  __________________________________            _____________________________

Strong __________________________________            _____________________________

Happy __________________________________            _____________________________

Legal __________________________________            _____________________________

Filling in the opposites should have been relatively easy and quick. The words should also have been fairly short. Even if various people were to supply their own opposites, there would be a high degree of agreement among them. Now try to fill in the middle positions with words meaning, for example, "midway between tall and short," "midway between heavy and light," and so on. Do this before continuing to read.

These midway responses (compared to the opposites) were probably more difficult to think of and took you more time. The responses should also have been long words or phrases of several words. In addition, different people would probably agree less on these midway responses than on the opposites. This exercise illustrates the ease with which you can think and talk in opposites and the difficulty you have in thinking and talking about the middle. But recognize that the vast majority of cases exist between extremes. Don't allow the ready availability of extreme terms to obscure the reality of what lies in between, In some cases, of course, it's legitimate to talk in terms of two values, For example, this thing you're holding either /or is not a book. Clearly, the classes "book" and "not-book" include all possibilities. There is no problem with this kind of statement. Similarly, you may say that a student either will pass this course or will not, as these two categories include all the possibilities, You create problems when you use this either/or form in situations in which it's inappropriate: for example, "The supervisor is either for us or against us," The two choices simply don't include all possibilities: The supervisor may be for us in some things and against us in others, or he or she may be neutral, Right now there is a tendency to group people into categories of pro and antiwar; similarly, you see examples of polarization in opinions about the Middle East, with some people entirely and totally supportive of one side and others entirely and totally supportive of the other side, However, polarizing categories are created for almost every important political or social issue: "pro" and "anti" positions on abortion and taxes, for example, These extremes do not include all possibilities and prevent us from entertaining the vast middle ground that exists on all such issues and in most people's minds,

UPDATE MESSAGES: AVOID STATIC EVALUATION

Language changes very slowly, especially when compared to the rapid pace at which people and things change, 'When you retain a judgment of a person, despite the inevitable changes in the person, you're engaging in static evaluation, Although you would probably agree that everything is in a constant state of flux, the relevant question is whether you act as if you’ll know this. Do you treat your little sister as if she was 10 years old, or do you treat her like the 20-year-old woman she has become? Your evaluations of yourself and others need to keep pace with the rapidly changing real world. Otherwise you'll be left with attitudes and beliefs- static evaluations-about a world that no longer exists. To guard against static evaluation, use a device called the date, a mental subscript that enables you to look at your statement in the context of time. Dating your statement is especially important when your statements are evaluative. Remember that Gerry Smith₂₀₀₂ is not Gerry Smith₂₀₁₀, that academic abilities₂₀₀₆ are not academic abilities_2010. At the same time, recognize that each of these six guidelines can be used to deceive you. For example, when people treat individuals as they're labeled or influence you to respond to people in terms of their labels (often racist, sexist, or homophobic), they are using intensional orientation unethically: Similarly, when people present themselves as knowing everything about something (gossip is often a good example), they are exploiting the natural tendency for people to think in allness term to achieve their own ends. When people present inferences as if they are facts (again, gossip, provides a good example) to secure your belief or when they stereotype, they are relying on your tendency to confuse facts and inferences and to fail to discriminate. And, when people talk in terms of opposites (polarize) or as if things and people don't change (static evaluation) in order to influence you, they are again assuming you won't talk about the middle ground or ask for updated information.

Chapter Summary

Principles of Verbal Messages

Being an effective communicator requires more than knowing the rules of grammar; it requires understanding the principles of verbal messages.

Eight Principles of Verbal Messages

1. Message meanings are in people

2. Messages are denotative and connotative

3. Messages vary in abstraction

4. Messages can deceive

5. Messages vary in politeness

6. Messages can be onymous or anonymous

7. Messages vary in assertiveness.

8. Messages are influenced by culture/gender.

Message Meanings Are in People

o   When trying to discover meaning in language, one must consider the people using the language as well as the words. For example, one person may experience “retirement” as a forced layoff, while another may experience the word as a welcome rest.

o   Meanings also change as people change. We cannot assume the meanings of words remain constant as our experiences and others’ experiences with those words change.

Messages Are Denotative and Connotative

o   denotative meaning: word's objective definition, the dictionary meaning

o   connotative meaning: a word's subjective or emotional meaning

o   snarl words and purr words: words, used to describe people, that are highly negative (e.g., “idiot,” “loser”) or highly positive (e.g., “dream,” “sweetheart”)

Messages Vary in Abstraction

o   general terms, such as “human being,” are high in abstraction

o   specific terms, such as “Aunt Mary” are low in abstraction and are usually more effective in guiding the images that come to your listeners’ minds

Messages Vary in Directness

o   indirect statements are attempts to get a listener to say or do something without committing the speaker to any responsibility while direct speech states clearly the speaker’s preferences

o   direct messages are generally regarded as more honest, indirect messages allow people to express a desire without insulting or offending anyone or to ask for compliments in a socially acceptable manner; however, indirect messages can be overly ambiguous and easily misunderstood as well as seen as manipulative.

Messages May Deceive

o   The act of sending messages with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false.

o   There are different types of lies (pro-social, self-enhancement, selfish-deception, and  antisocial deception)

o   Liars tend to exhibit certain behaviors

Messages Vary in Politeness

o   Direct messages are usually less polite than indirect ones.

o   Indirect messages allow you to express a desire without insulting or offending someone.

o   Politeness differs between genders.

o   Netiquette provides guidelines for politeness in computer-mediated communication.

Messages Can Be Onymous or Anonymous

o   Onymous messages have a clearly defined author.

o   Anonymous messages are messages where the author is not identified.

– These messages allow people to express their inner feelings more freely

– This might encourage some to go to extremes

Messages Vary in Assertiveness

o   Assertiveness is the willingness to stand up for your rights but with respect for the rights of others.

– Describe the problem

– State how the problem affects you

– Propose workable solutions

– Confirm understanding

Messages Are Influenced by Culture and Gender

Culture

o   Messages are culturally influenced

o   The principle of cooperation

o   The principle of peaceful relations

o   The principle of self-denigration

o   The principle of directness

Gender

o   Verbal messages reflect considerable gender influences

o   Example: disagreements

Disconfirmation and Confirmation

Disconfirmation 

Disconfirmation is a communication pattern in which one ignores the other person’s presence and communication. Rejection is not the same thing as disconfirmation; you still accept the other person’s significance.

o   Ignore presence and indifferent to messages

o   Make no nonverbal contact

o   Jump to interpret and evaluate messages

o   Talk about self

o   Interrupt; make it hard for other’s expression

Confirmation

Confirmation is a communication pattern in which one acknowledges the other person’s presence and attends to his/her communication.

o   Acknowledge presence and contribution of other.

o   Make nonverbal contact.

o   Demonstrate understanding of words and feelings.

o   Ask questions.

o   Encourage the other person to express thoughts and feelings.

Racist Speech

o   Puts down, minimalizes, and marginalizes a group based on their race

o   Often subtle or unintended

o   Avoid derogatory terms for members of a race

o   Avoid mentioning race when it is irrelevant

o   Avoid attributing individual’s economic or social problems to the his or her race

Heterosexist Speech

o   Derogatory language used against gays or lesbians.

o   Avoid offensive parodies and nonverbal mannerisms.

o   Avoid “complimenting” gay men and lesbians that they “don’t look it”.

o   Avoid assuming that every gay male or lesbian knows what every other gay male or lesbian is thinking.

o   Stay clear of making overattributions.

o   Remember and celebrate relationship milestones.

Ageist and Sexist Speech

Ageist

o   Prejudice against other age groups

o   General disrespect for older people

o   Age restrictions in certain occupations

Sexist

o   Generic “man”

o   Generic “he” and “his”

o   Sex role stereotyping

Cultural Identifiers

o   Race and nationality

o   Affectional orientation

o   Age

o   Sex

Principles for Using Verbal Messages Effectively

o   Avoid intensional orientation

o   Avoid allness

o   Distinguish between facts and inferences

o   Avoid indiscrimination

o   Avoid polarization

o   Avoid static evaluation

Extensionalize: Avoid Intensional Orientation

o   Intensional orientation – Viewing people, objects, or events in the way they are talked about or pre-labeled.

o   Extensional orientation – Look first at the actual people, objects, or events and then apply labels.

See the Individual: Avoid Allness

o   Allness thinking – Putting into “all” or “never” categories.

o   Recognize that there is always more to learn about something.

Distinguish between Facts and Inferences: Avoid Fact Inference Confusion

Factual Statements:

o   Made be made only after observation.

o   Are limited to what has been observed.

o   May be made only by the observer.

o   May be only about the past or present.

o   Approach certainty.

o   Are subject to verifiable standards.

Inferential Statements:

o   May be made at any time.

o   Go beyond what has been observed.

o   May be made by anyone.

o   May be about any time – past, present or future.

o   Involve varying degrees of probability.

o   Are not subject to verifiable standards.

Discriminate Among: Avoid Indiscrimination

o   Indiscrimination: A form of stereotyping, failing to distinguish between similar but different people.

o   Solution: See the individual apart from the group.

Talk about the Middle: Avoid Polarization

o   Polarization: Tendency to see the world in extremes, similar to the either-or fallacy.

o   Solution: Search for the middle ground.

Update Messages: Avoid Static Evaluation

o   Static Evaluation: When you hold on to judgments about people and ignore they’ve changed.

o   Solution: Look at statements in context of time.

KEY TERMS

Ableism: Discrimination against people with disabilities.

                       

Abstraction:  A general concept derived from a class of objects; a part representation of some whole. Also, the quality of being abstract.

Ageism: Discrimination based on age.

Assertiveness: A willingness to stand up for your rights, while maintaining respect for the rights of others.

Confirmation: A communication pattern that acknowledges another persons presence and also indiactes an acceptance of this person and his or her definition of self, and the relationship as defined or viewed by this person.

Connotation: The feeling or emotinal aspect of meaning generally viewed as consisting of evaluative (e.g.. good/bad), potency (i.e., strong/weak), and activity (i.e., fast/slow) dimenisons; the associations of a term.

Cooperation: An interpersonal process by which indivuals work together for a coomon end; the pooling of efforts to produce a mutually desired outcome.

Cultural rules: Rules that are specific to a given cultural group.

Disconfirmation: The process of ignoring the presence and the communications of others. Racist, hctcroscxist, ageist, and sexist language disconfirrns, puts down, and negatively evaluates various groups.

Denotaion: The objective meaning of a term; the meaning you'd find

in a dictionary.

Extensional orientation: The tendency to look first at the actual people, objects, and events and then at the labels-to be guided by what you see happening rather than by the way something or someone is talked about.

Fact-inference confusion: A misevaluation in which someone makes an inference, regards it as fact and acts on it as if it was fact.

Heterosexist language: Language that assumes that all people are heterosexual, and that therby denigrates lesbians and gay men.

Index: An extensional device used to emphsize the notion of nonidentity (i.e, that no two things are the same)  and symbolized by a subscript for example, politician₁ is not politician₂

Intensional orientation: A tendency to give primary consideration to the way things are labeled and only secondary consideration (if any) to the world of experience.

Lying: The act of sending messages with the intention of giving another person information that you believe to be false.

Netiquette: The rules for polite conversation over the internet.

Onymous messages: Messages that are signed; the author of the message is clearly identified,

Polarization: A form of fallacious reasoning by which only the two extremes are considered;

Also referred to as black-and-white or either/or thinking or as two-valued orientaion;The tendency to look at the world and to describe it in terms of extremes-good or had, positive or negative, healthy or sick, brilliant or stupid, rich or poor, and so on.

Purr words: Highly positive words that express the speakers feelings rather than any objective reality.

Racist language: Language that denigrates or is derogatory towards members of a certain race.

Rejection: A response to an individual that disagrees with or denies the validity of something the individual says or does.

Snarl words: Highly negative words that express the feelings of the speaker rather the objective reality.

Sexist language: Language derogratory to one gender, usual women.

Static evaluation: An orientaion that fails to recognize that the world is characterized by constant changes; an attititude that’s sees people and events as fixed rather than constantl changing.

Truth bias: The assumption that most people operate under that the messages they hear are true.

Practice Quiz 1

1. Of the four terms given below, which is the most general?

A) athlete

B) Derek Jeter

C) American athlete

D) baseball player

2. Seven-year-old Muriel has never played soccer before, and she really is not very good. She misses the ball often when she tries to kick it, she often kicks it the wrong way, and she does not play defense at all. Yet at the end of each game, her dad tells her, “Muriel, you played really well today!” Muriel’s dad is engaging in a bit of ________ deception.

A) self-enhancement

B) selfish

C) pro-social

D) anti-social

3. Which of the following is a clue that Ivan might be lying?

A) He speaks quickly and answers questions rapidly.

B) He smiles often as he speaks.

C) His messages contain discrepancies and inconsistencies.

D) His voice is moderately pitched and he is relatively still as he speaks.

4. Which of the following messages would likely be perceived as the MOST polite?

A) “Would it be possible for you to drive me to the airport this Friday?”

B) “Have this report on my desk by the end of the day.”

C) “Bring me a pair of scissors.”

D) “Please turn down the thermostat.”

5. Which of the following is a violation of netiquette?

A) reading the FAQ before asking questions

B) writing in all caps most of the time

C) lurking in a chat room for a few days before initiating a conversation

D) sending brief, succinct messages

6. A student receives a C on a term paper. She believes the work was worth at least a B, so she goes to her professor and tries to convince him to change her grade. In which culture is the student’s behavior MOST likely to be admired?

A) South Korea

B) Saudi Arabia

C) Japan

D) the United States

7. Of all the members on her work team, LaToya performed the most difficult tasks—and she did them very well. When her boss praised her in a company meeting, LaToya stood and said that her work was a minor factor compared to the efforts of her teammates. Which cultural principle was LaToya following in this situation?

A) principle of self-deprecation

B) principle of cooperation

C) principle of self-denigration

D) principle of directness

8. Suppose you drink the last soft drink in the house. Your brother becomes angry and complains that you’ve done this the last three times there was only one soft drink left. In which of the following responses are you rejecting your brother’s comments?

A) “What’s the problem? You ate the last of the cookies yesterday. Get off my back.”

B) “Shut up! I don’t care about your stupid soft drink. I’ll drink it if I want.”

C) “I don’t blame you for being mad. I really should have brought some more soft drinks home since I drank the last one.”

D) “I’m so sick of your constant complaining. Go out and buy some more soft drinks if you want one. Leave me alone.”

9. Which of the following is an example of a disconfirming message?

A) Maintain direct eye contact with the person who is speaking.

B) Ignore the contributions of the other person and express indifference to what the other person says.

C) Dialogue with the other person; engage in communication in which both persons are speakers and listeners.

D) Encourage the other person to express his or her thoughts and feelings.

10. One example of this practice would be telling someone, “You cannot go on the field trip to the amusement park because you are in a wheelchair.”

A) racism

B) ageism

C) sexism

D) ableism

11. In which of the following situations is the person doing the BEST job avoiding heterosexist speech?

A) Carol’s co-worker, Alan, is gay. During a lunchtime discussion of the upcoming election, Carol turns to Alan and asks, “How do you think the gay community will vote on this issue?”

B) When Dontrelle learns that Zoe and Natalie are celebrating their third anniversary together, he sends them a gift and an anniversary card.

C) Henry has just learned that his neighbor, Isaac, is gay. Henry exclaims, “Wow, I never would have guessed. He sure doesn’t look gay.”

D) Harper tells her mom, “Oh, I just love my gay friends. Lesbians are so loyal, and gay men are so open with their feelings!”

12. Which of the following sentences contains an example of sexist language?

A) “The male nurse is taking good care of grandfather.”

B) “The average person  is worried about finances.”

C) “The police officer quickly responded to the crime scene.”

D) “This is the greatest invention in the history of humanity!”

13. Why is it a good idea to avoid the term non-Christian in your communication?

A) It implies that everyone who is not a Christian is an atheist.

B) It is never a good idea to discuss religion with people.

C) It implies that people who have other beliefs deviate from the norm.

D) Some listeners will become distressed when they are reminded that not everyone is a Christian.

14. Which of the following terms designating age is generally preferred?

A) elderly

B) senior citizen

C) elder

D) older person

15. The tendency to look first at the actual people you are communicating with, and then at the labels, is called __________ orientation.

A) extensional

B) inevitable

C) intensional

D) unavoidable

16. Which of the following statements is an inference?

A) “Mrs. Peel drives a Porsche.”

B) “Mrs. Peel must be rich because she drives a Porsche.”

C) “Mrs. Peel’s Porsche is red.”

D) “Mrs. Peel’s Porsche has a 3.6L flat-six engine.”

17. Which of the following statements is an example of indiscrimination?

A) “He’s just like all Republicans: He hates women and poor people.”

B) “You are either for us or against us.”

C) “We hired a recent college graduate at the office today.”

D) “I felt bad for John when I heard his partner died.”

18. Bubba exclaims, “If the Cowboys don’t win this game, they’re the worst team of all time!” This is an example of a(n) __________ statement.

A) polarized

B) ageist

C) homophobic

D) factual

19. When you retain a judgment of a person, despite the inevitable changes in the person, you are engaging in __________.

A) stereotyping

B) static evaluation

C) indexing

D) channeling

20. Once you have created a meaning from a message, that meaning will never change for you.

A) True

B) False

21. Flame wars are one consequence of anonymity online.

A) True

B) False

22. Assertiveness is always the most desirable response in any situation.

A) True

B) False

23. Intensional orientation occurs when you act as if the words and labels were more important than the things they represent.

A) True

B) False

24. Which of the following groups of words has the same denotative meaning?

A) heart, cross, triangle

B) slim, scrawny, svelte

C) happy, miserable, confused

D) small, medium, large

25. A useful extensional device that can help you avoid allness is to end each statement with an et cetera.

A) True

B) False

Practice Quiz 2

1. Which of the following statements contains an example of purr words?

A) “He is so scrawny.”

B) “What a joke that guy is.”

C) “She is really slimy.”

D) “She is such a doll.”

2. Terms such as sports or information are examples of __________; that is, they are general rather than specific concepts.

A) abstractions

B) metacommunication

C) vagaries

D) deceptions

3. When Brian began his job search, he added a few items on his resume that were not true in order to make himself a more attractive job candidate. This is an example of a(n) __________ deception.

A) connotative

B) self-enhancement

C) pro-social

D) abstract

4. You can express a desire without insulting or offending anyone if you use a(n) _________ message.

A) abstract

B) indirect

C) nonverbal

D) direct

5. Under which of the following circumstances is David MORE likely to speak indirectly?

A) He calls his friend to set up plans for next weekend’s fishing trip.

B) He asks his wife to prepare his favorite meal for dinner tomorrow night.

C) He tells a subordinate to get a task done by the end of the work day.

D) He needs to admit to his boss that he did not meet his sales quota for the month.

6. Which of the following is an example of social networking politeness in action?

A) Samantha posts funny pictures of her roommate Maggie’s “bad hair day.”

B) Robertson sends his mother’s e-mail address to his friend Sharon, even though his mother and Sharon have never met.

C) When Nehemiah received a friend request from someone he did not want to be friends with, he simply ignored the request.

D) Rose keeps trying to “friend” her teachers on Facebook.

7. Which of the following statements about online anonymity is correct?

A) Anonymous online messages have much more credibility than messages that are not anonymous.

B) Anonymity often encourages honesty and openness.

C) Online anonymity is extremely difficult to maintain.

D) People are generally less willing to self-disclose if they are anonymous.

8. What is one major difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness?

A) Assertive people assert their own rights, but aggressive people hurt others in the process.

B) Assertiveness is highly valued in all cultures, but aggressiveness is not.

C) Assertiveness is always the most desirable response; aggressiveness never is.

D) Assertiveness is most often seen in men; aggressiveness is most often seen in women.

9. Which of the following would be a good strategy to follow for communicating assertiveness?

A) Avoid I-statements at all costs.

B) Do not be concerned about positive face.

C) State how the problem affects you.

D) Force the other person to come up with potential solutions.

10. Yusuf is from the marketing department; Mason works in production. In attempting to solve a work problem, they will follow the principle of __________ if they tell the truth, talk about what is relevant, and are as clear and informative as possible.

A) cooperation

B) self-denigration

C) overattribution

D) self-disclosure

11. This is a communication pattern in which we ignore someone’s presence as well as that person’s communications.

A) confirmation

B) disconcertion

C) rejection

D) disconfirmation

12. Paisley angrily tells you how “the black waitress at the diner” did not get her order right for lunch. Whether she is aware of it or not, Paisley is indulging in __________ speech.

A) heterosexist

B) ableist

C) racist

D) sexist

13. The ban on gay marriage in many states is an example of __________ heterosexism.

A) indirect

B) institutional

C) unintentional

D) individual

14. Which of the following is an example of individual ageism?

A) A commercial for a smartphone depicts older people being confused about the product.

B) The XYZ company mandates that all employees retire at age 65.

C) Kendra tells you about “the sweet little old lady” who lives next door and bakes her fresh cookies each week.

D) An airline does not hire any new pilots over the age of 50, regardless of their experience.

15. Language that disparages someone because of his or her gender is called __________ language.

A) sexist

B) stereotypical

C) sex-fair

D) gender-specific

16. Which of the following statements shows the GREATEST degree of cultural sensitivity?

A) “People of all religions have the right to read the Bibles of their own faiths.”

B) “The nonwhite students often sit together at lunchtime.”

C) “Chris and Pat start their couples therapy sessions next week.”

D) “Do you attend a church regularly?”

17. Aaron has a severe phobia of needles. Any time he sees someone on television receiving an injection, he begins to feel very anxious. This is an example of __________.

A) allness

B) indiscrimination

C) intensional orientation

D) extensional orientation

18. The way to combat __________ is by using a(n) __________, or mental subscript that identifies each individual in a group as an individual.

A) allness; index

B) indiscrimination; date

C) polarization; date

D) indiscrimination; index

19. This is the tendency to look at the world and to describe it in terms of extremes.

A) allness

B) polarization

C) static evaluation

D) stereotyping

20. Effective verbal messages never contain abstractions.

A) True

B) False

21. It is very difficult to detect when a person is lying.

A) True

B) False

22. Research indicates that men tend to use more polite speech when seeking to gain another person’s compliance than men do.

A) True

B) False

23. It is acceptable to use the term girl for any female under the age of 21.

A) True

B) False

24. Making inferential statements is necessary if you are to talk about much that is meaningful.

A) True

B) False

25. The words home, house, residence, and dwelling all have the same __________ but the __________ of each word is quite different.

A) connotation; definition

B) denotation; connotation

C) meaning; denotation

D) definition; denotation

CHAPTER TEST

1. The statement, “Anderson is such a slut” contains

A) a snarl word.

B) a purr word.

C) metacommunication.

D) disconfirmation.

2. Which of the following is the best example of an indirect response to “What’s for dinner, Honey”?

A) “I’m not cooking tonight. I ordered Chinese take-out.”

B) “Why do you always ask me that as soon as I get home from work?”

C) “Tommy said that the new Mexican place down the street is great and they deliver.”

D) “I think you should prepare the evening meal this evening.”

3. Which statement is an example of nonsexist language?

A) The average student is worried about his grades.

B) The competent student knows her limitations.

C) The first-year students may require extra attention.

D) The unprepared student jeopardizes his chance for a good grade.

4. The local newspaper used to allow readers to submit comments for each article on the online edition of the newspaper.  Readers did not have to give their name, and many of the comments were extreme.  This is an example of __________ messages.

A) onymous

B) anonymous

C) connotative

D) denotative

5. When Brad told Jeremy, “I’m going to study really hard for that history test,” and Jeremy replied, “I know you will. You have a real drive to do well in school. I admire you,” Jeremy engaged in:

A) confirmation.

B) disconfirmation.

C) rejection.

D) allness.

6. Ali is engaging in __________ when he retains a judgment of a close friend, despite the inevitable changes in the friend.

A) static evaluation

B) symbolic language

C) the principle of peaceful relations

D) evaluative language

7. Which is the best example of a factual statement?

A) Paula is angry.

B) Lene harbors resentment.

C) Marwan is driving a green jeep.

D) Francois is carrying a grudge.

8. One of the best ways to guard against a static evaluation is to use:

A) a date subscript.

B) polarization.

C) fact-inference confusion.

D) intentional orientation.

9. When we focus on classes of individuals or objects or events and fail to see that each is unique, we have the misevaluation of:

A) static evaluation.

B) polarization.

C) indiscrimination.

D) fact-inference confusion.

10. Mandatory retirement laws and age restrictions in certain occupations can be referred to as

A) ageism.

B) allness.

C) institutional ageism.

D) bypassing.

11. Connotations of words are found in dictionaries.

A) True

B) False

12. “Mankind will soon walk on Mars” is an example of sexist language.

A) True

B) False

13. Using indirect language allows people to express a desire without insulting or offending others.

A) True

B) False

14. The principle of cooperation and the principle of peaceful relations are compatible with one another.

A) True

B) False

15. Once you have established your own connotations for expression such as “I love you” they rarely change throughout your lifetime.

A) True

B) False

16. “Gay men are so creative” is a heterosexist statement.

A) True

B) False

17. The fact that same-sex marriage is illegal in many states is an example of institutional heterosexism.

A) True

B) False

18. Companies’ reluctance to hire members of minority groups is an example of individual racism.

A) True

B) False

19. “The governor is either with us or against us” is an example of polarization.

A) True

B) False

20. It is best to use cultural identifiers that are recognized and used by cultural groups themselves.

A) True

B) False         

21. A mental subscript that enables you to look at your statement in the context of time is called the __________.

                              A) index

B) date

C) calendar

D) notepad

22. Snarl words __________.

                        A) are highly negative

B) refer to the “real world”

                        C) describe objective realities

                        D) are purely denotative in meaning

23. Which of the following is a way to communicate confirmation?

                        A) Make no nonverbal contact; avoid direct eye contact or physical closeness.

                        B) Demonstrate understanding of what the other person says.

                        C) Engage in lengthy monologues in which the other person has no opportunity to respond.

                        D) Continually shift the focus of the message in a direction the other person does not want to go.

24. Which of the following is an example of ageism?

            A) A new movie depicts two older adults as having a healthy and normal romantic relationship.

                        B) Anderson does not like to be around his young cousin Rebecca, who has Down syndrome, because he says Rebecca “makes me nervous.”

                        C) Ginny tells you she really likes her gay men friends “because they give me so many good fashion tips.”

                        D) Arnold has gotten into the habit of referring to all the teenagers in his neighborhood as “young punks.”

25) There are considerable gender differences in politeness.

A) True

B) False

26) The words migrants and settlers have very different connotations.

A) True

B) False

27) You can see __________ at play when your aunt refers to the “lesbian doctor” that she saw at the clinic last week.

A) sexism

B) ageism

C) heterosexism

D) racism

28) It is never legitimate to see things in terms of “either/or.”

A) True

B) False

29) A willingness to stand up for your rights while respecting the rights of others is called __________.

A) aggressiveness

B) truthfulness

C) assertiveness

D) onymous

30) Simply by watching the speaker’s body language, Midori is able to anticipate the speaker’s meaning. Midori appears to be practicing the principle of __________.

A) sassuru

B) kaizen

C) johari

D) omoiyari

31) The novel The Hunger Games is an example of a(n) __________.

A) anonymous message

B) deceptive communication

C) onymous message

D) lateral communication

32) Though born a man, Adrienne prefers to dress in women’s clothing much of the time. How should you refer to Adrienne, when dressed as a woman?

A) avoid using pronouns in this situation

B) he

C) he-she

D) she

33) It is possible to evaluate the credibility of anonymous online sources.

A) True

B) False

34) Marissa is angry that her old boyfriend is now dating Kim. So, Marissa has been spreading false rumors about Kim. This is an example of __________ deception.

                        A) self-enhancement

B) anti-social

C) pro-social

D) selfish

   

            35) Cayden and Jase have been a couple for ten years. When Cayden tells Jase something, Jase assumes that Cayden is being truthful. This is an example of __________ at work.

                        A) a double bind

B) effort justification

C) the truth bias

D) cognitive dissonance

36) Some research has found that the term __________ is preferred over black in referring to Americans of African descent.

                        A) Afro-American

B) colored

C) Negro

D) African American

37) In Canada, indigenous people are called __________.

                        A) first people

B) Eskimo

C) Indian

D) Native American

38) When Nyla sends e-mails, she usually types in all capital letters. Nyla is violating a key tenet of __________.

                        A) metacommunication

B) netiquette

C) cultural diversity

D) abstraction

39) Calling a person of Arab descent a “towelhead” is an especially nasty example of __________ speech.

                        A) slanderous

B) homophobic

C) racist

D) abelist

40) A key difference between rejection and disconfirmation is that __________.

                        A) in rejection you not only acknowledge the speaker’s presence, but you also indicate your acceptance of the person

B) rejection does not involve disagreement, whereas disconfirmation does

C) in rejection you disagree with the person but you do not deny the person’s significance

D) rejection does not imply that you are unwilling to accept something the other person does, unlike disconfirmation

            41) An example of institutional heterosexism would be the idea that homosexuals are more likely than heterosexuals to commit crimes.

A) True

B) False

42) Regular church-goer Nan observed Joshua reading a book titled Why I Am Not a Christian. She immediately took a dislike to Joshua because she presumed that he must be an atheist. What tendency is in play here?

                        A) polarization

B) indiscrimination

C) fact-inference confusion

D) allness

43) Which of the following people appears to be successfully avoiding ageist stereotypes?

                        A) Rick speaks at a normal volume when he talks with his great-grandmother.

B) Lakshmi does not even try to discuss the latest music with her 85-year-old neighbor because she “knows” he will not be interested.

C) Every time Ben sees his grandfather, he asks, “Do you remember me, Grandpa? It’s Ben.”

D) Lily tends to discuss the past with the residents of the nursing home where she works. She figures that they are not especially interested in current events.

44) Which of the following is an example of a gender-neutral term?

                        A) actress

B) mankind

C) firefighter

D) lady doctor

45. Which of the following statements about lying is correct?

                        A) All cultures view lying in the same negative way.

B) Lies vary greatly in type.

C) When one person lies, the likelihood of the other person lying decreases.

D) There is no such thing as an “ethical lie.”