Chapter 6 - Interpersonal Communication and Conversation
Interpersonal communication exists
on a continuum from relatively impersonal to highly personal
- The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other according to social roles (e.g., taxi driver and passenger); the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other as unique individual (e.g., father and daughter)
- The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interaction will be governing by societal rules; the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactions will be governed by personally established rules
- The more impersonal the interaction, the less likely the interaction will be emotionally laden or include self-disclosure
You will learn about:
- interpersonal communication and conversation
- the principles of conversation
- some of the ways in which conversation works in everyday life
You will learn to:
- open, maintain, and close conversations more effectively
- engage in more satisfying conversations
- use a variety of techniques (e.g., excusing, apologizing, complimenting) to make conversations more effective
Interpersonal communication is communication that occurs between two
people who have a relationship and who are thus influenced by each other's
communication messages. It includes what takes place between a server and a
customer, a son and his father, two people in an interview, and so on. This
definition makes it almost impossible for communication between two people not
to be considered interpersonal-inevitably, some relationship exists. Even a
stranger asking directions from a local resident has established a clearly
defined relationship as soon as the first message is sent. Sometimes this relational,
or “dyadic," definition of interpersonal communication is extended to
include small groups of people, such as family members, groups of three or four
friends, or work colleagues.
Social media have somewhat blurred this distinction. For example, when
you write on someone's Facebook wall, it is interpersonal because it's between you and a friend but it is also sent to others in
the group (making it small group communication). And in many ways its public
since the audience can be extremely large-not only is the wall message
available to those with access to your page, but it's available to anyone who
is sent the posting by others in your group.
Another way to look at interpersonal communication is along a continuum
ranging from relatively impersonal to highly personal. At the impersonal end of
the spectrum there is simple conversation between people who really don't know
each other: the server and the customer, for example. At the highly personal end is the
communication that takes place between people who are intimately
interconnected, such as a father and son (see figure 6.1).
A few characteristics distinguish these two extremes. First, in the
impersonal example, the individuals are likely to respond to each other
according to the roles they are currently playing: The server treats the
customer not as a unique individual but as one of many customers; and the
customer, in turn, acts toward the server not as if he or she were a unique individual
but as he or she would act toward any server. The father and the son, however, react
to each other as unique individuals. Notice too that the server and the
customer interact according to the rules of society governing the
server-customer interaction. The father and the son, on the other hand,
interact on the basis of personally established rules. The way they address
each other, their touching behavior, and their degree of physical closeness,
for example, are unique to them and are established by them rather than by
society. Still another difference is that the messages that the server and
customer exchange are themselves impersonal; there is little self-disclosure
and little emotional content, for example. In the father-son example, the
messages may run the entire range and may at times be highly personal with considerable
disclosure and emotion.
There are, of course, many gradations between these extremes. Some
friendships, for example, an: casual; others are highly intimate, Romantic
pairs vary in their levels of intimacy and so do families. This chapter
introduces interpersonal communication, explains the process of conversation
and some of its essential principles, and tackles some everyday conversation
situations.
The Principles of Conversation
Although conversation is an everyday process and one we seldom think
about, it is, like most forms of communication, governed by several principles.
Especially
important are the principles of:
1)
process
2)
turn-taking
3)
dialogue
4)
immediacy
5)
flexibility
6)
politeness
THE PRINCIPLE OF PROCESS: CONVERSATION IS A DEVELOPMENTAL
PROCESS
Conversation is
best viewed as a process rather than as an act. It's convenient to divide up this process
into chunks or stages and to view each stage as requiring a choice as to what
you'll say and how you'll say it. Here we divide the sequence into five steps:
1)
opening
2)
feedforward
3)
business
4)
feedback
5)
closing
(see Figure 6.2)
These stages and the way people follow them will vary depending on the
personalities of the communicators, their culture, the context in which the
conversation occurs, the purpose of the conversation, and the entire host of
factors considered throughout this text.
Opening - The first step is
to open the conversation, usually with some kind of greeting: "Hi. How are
you?" "Hello, this is Joe.” The greeting is a good example of phatic communication-
a message that establishes a connection between 1\'10 people and opens up the
channels for more meaningful interaction. Openings, of course, may be nonverbal
as well as verbal. A smile or kiss may he as clear an opening as
"Hello." Greetings are so common that they often go unnoticed. But
when they're omitted-as when a doctor begins a conversation by saying,
"What's wrong!" -you may feel uncomfortable and thrown off guard. Of
course, the most common greeting, socially and especially in business, is the
handshake, which is the focus of Table 6.1.
Feedforward- At the second
step, you (usually) provide some kind of feedforward, which gives the other
person a general idea of the conversation's focus: "I've got to tell you
about Jack:' "Did you hear what happened in class yesterday?" or
"We need to talk about our vacation plans:' Feedforward also may identify
the tone of the conversation «(I'm really depressed and need to talk with
you") or the time required ("This will just take a minute").
Conversational awkwardness often occurs when feedforwards are used
inappropriatcly for example, using overly long feedforwards or omitting
feedforward before a truly shocking message.
Business - The third step is
the "business," the substance or focus of the conversation. The term
business is used to emphasize that most conversations are goal directed, That
is, you converse to fulfill one or several of the general purposes of
interpersonal communication: to learn, relate, influence, play, or help (see Chapter
1). The term is also sufficiently general to incorporate all kinds of interactions.
In general, the business is conducted through an exchange of speaker and
listener roles. Brief, rather than long, speaking turns characterize most
satisfying conversations. In the business stage, you talk about Jack, what
happened in class, or your vacation plans. This is obviously the longest part
of the conversation and the reason for the opening and the feedforward.
Feedback - The fourth step is
feedback, the reverse of the second step. Here you (usually) ref1ectback on the
conversation to signal that, as far as you're concerned, the business is completed:
"So, you want to send Jack a get well card.” "Wasn't that the
craziest class you ever heard of?" or "OK, so I'll call for reservations,
and you'll shop for what we need.”
Closing - The
fifth and last step, the opposite of the first step, is the closing, the
goodbye, which often reveals how satisfied the persons were with the
conversation: "I hope you'll call soon" or "Don't call us, we'll
call you:' The closing also may he used to schedule future conversations:
"Give me a call tomorrow night." or "Let's meet for lunch at
12:' When closings are indefinite or vague, conversation often becomes awkward;
you're not quite sure if you should say goodbye or if you should wait for
something else to be said.
Table 6.1 - Six Steps to an Effective Handshake
Here
are six steps that, in the culture of much of the United States, go into an
effective handshake:
Do’s
·
Make eye contact at the beginning and maintain it
throughout the handshake.
·
Smile and otherwise signal positiveness.
·
Extend your entire right hand.
·
Grasp the other person's hand firmly but without so much
pressure that it would be uncomfortable.
·
Pump 3 times; a handshake in the United States lasts
about 3 to 4 seconds. In other cultures, it might be shorter or, more often,
longer.
Don'ts
·
Look away from the person or down at the floor or at your
hand that is being shaken.
·
Appear static or negative.
·
Extend only your fingers or your left hand.
·
Grasp the other person's fingers as if you really don't
want to shake hands but you're making a gesture to be polite.
·
Give the person a "dead fish": Be careful that
the other person's pumping doesn't lead you to withdraw your own pumping. Avoid
pumping much more than 3 times.
·
Release your grasp while still maintaining eye contact.
·
Hold your grasp for an overly long time or release too
early.
THE PRINCIPLE OF TURN-TAKING
Throughout
the speaking-listening process, both speaker and listener exchange cues for
what are called conversational
turns.
These cues enable the speaker and listener to communicate about the
communication in which they're currently engaged; that is, a form of
meta communication takes place through the exchange of these often subtle cues.
The use of turn-taking cues-like almost every aspect of human communication, will
naturally vary from one culture to another. The description that follows here
is valid largely for the United States and many Western cultures. As you read the
following discussion, take a look at Figure 6.3 (p. 124); it provides a visual
guide to the various turn signals.
Speaker
Cues
Speakers regulate
the conversation through two major types of cues: turn-maintaining cues and
turn-yielding cues. Using these cues effectively not only ensures communication
efficiency but also increases likeability.
Turn-Maintaining
Cues
Through
turn-maintaining cues you can communicate your wish to maintain the role of
speaker in a variety of ways:
·
Audibly
inhale breath to show that you have more to say.
·
Continue
a gesture or series of gestures to show that you've not yet completed your
thought
·
Avoid
eye contact with the listener in order to indicate that you are not passing
along your speaking turn.
·
Vocalize
pauses ("er” "um") to prevent the listener from speaking and to
show that you're still talking.
In most
conversations we expect the speaker to maintain relatively brief speaking turns
and to turn over the speaking role to the listener willingly (when so signaled
by the listener). People who don't follow those unwritten rules are likely to be
evaluated negatively.
Turn-Yielding
Cues
Turn-yielding cues
tell the listener that the speaker is finished and wishes to exchange the role
of speaker for the role of listener. They tell the listener (if in a group,
such cues may be addressed to a specific listener or to just any listener) to
take over the role of speaker. For example, at the end of a statement you may
add some we such as "okay!" or "right?" to ask one of the listeners
to assume the role of speaker. You also can indicate that you've finished
speaking by dropping your intonation or pausing at length, by making direct eye
contact with a listener, by asking a question, or by nodding in the direction of
a particular listener.
Listener
Cues
As a listener you
can regulate the conversation by using three types of cues: turn-requesting
cues, turn-denying cues, and back-channeling cues and interruptions.
Turn-Requesting
Cues
Turn-requesting
cues let the speaker know that you would like to say something and take a turn
as speaker. Sometimes you can do this simply by saying, "I'd like to say
something," but often it's done more subtly through some vocalized
"er" or "um" that tells the speaker that you would like to
speak. The request to speak is also often made with facial and mouth gestures.
Frequently a listener will indicate a desire to speak by opening his or her
eyes and mouth wide as if to say something, by beginning to gesture with a hand,
or by leaning forward.
Turn-Denying
Cues
You can use
turn-denying cues to indicate your reluctance to assume the role of speaker-
for example, by intoning a slurred "I don't know" or by giving some brief
grunt that signals you have nothing to say. Often people accomplish
turn-denying by avoiding eye contact with the speaker (who wishes them now to
take on the role of speaker) or by engaging in some behavior that is
incompatible with speaking, such as coughing or blowing their nose.
Back-Channeling
Cues and Interruptions
Back-channeling cues are used to
communicate various types of information back to the speaker without assuming
the role of speaker.
Some researchers call brief utterances-such as "mm-hm,"
"uh-huh," and "yeah"-that tell the speaker you're listening
acknowledgment tokens. Other researchers call them overlaps to distinguish them
from those interruptions that are aimed at taking over the speaker's turn. Back-channeling
cues are generally supportive and confirming and show that you're listening and
are involved in the interaction. But you can communicate a variety of messages
with these back-channeling cues:
·
To
indicate agreement or disagreement - A smile, nod of approval, brief comments such as
"right" and "of course:' or a vocalization like
"uh-huh" signals agreement. Frowning, shaking your head, or making
comments such as "no" and "never" signal disagreement.
·
To
indicate degree of involvement - A n attentive posture, forward leaning, and focused eye
contact tell the speaker that you're involved in the conversation. An inattentive
posture, backward leaning, and avoidance of eye contact communicate a lack of
involvement
·
To
pace the speaker -
Ask the speaker to slow down by raising your hand near your ear and leaning
forward or to speed up by continued nodding of your head. Cue the speaker
verbally by asking the speaker to slow down or to speed up.
·
To
ask for clarification -
Puzzled facial expressions-perhaps coupled with a forward lean or direct
interjection of "Who?", "When?" or
"Where?"-signal your need for clarification.
Interruptions, in contrast to back-channeling cues, are
attempts to take over the role of the speaker. These are not supportive and are often
disconfirming. Interruptions are often interpreted as attempts to change the
topic to one that the person knows more about or to emphasize one's authority.
Interruptions may also be seen as attempts to assert power and to maintain
control. Not surprisingly, research finds that superiors (bosses and
supervisors) and those in positions of authority (police officers and interviewers)
interrupt those in inferior positions more than the other way around. Numerous
studies have focused on gender differences in interruption behavior. Research
finds that the popular belief that men interrupt more than women is basically
accurate. Men interrupt other men and women more than women interrupt. For example,
one analysis of 43 published studies on interruptions and gender differences showed
that men interrupted significantly more than women. In addition, the more
male-like the person's gender identity-regardless of the person's biological
sex-the more likely the person will interrupt. Fathers interrupt their children
more than mothers do. Some research, however, finds no differences. Whatever
gender differences do exist, however, seem small. More important than gender in
determining who interrupts who is the specific type of situation; some
situations, such as task-oriented situations, may call for many interruptions; and
others, such as relationship discussions, may call for numerous hack-channeling
cues.
THE PRINCIPLE OF DIALOGUE
Often the term
dialogue is used as a synonym for conversation. But dialogue is more than simple
conversation; it's conversation in which there is genuine two-way interaction. It's
useful to distinguish the ideal dialogic communicator from his or her opposite,
the totally monologic communicator. Of course, no one engages in dialogue at
all times, and no one is totally monologic. These descriptions represent
extremes, intended only to clarify the differences between these types of
communication. During a dialogue each person is both speaker, and listener,
sender and receiver. It's
conversation in which there is deep concern for the other person and for the
relationship between the two. The objective of dialogue is mutual understanding
and empathy.
There is respect
for the other person, not because of what this person can do or give but simply
because this person is a human being and therefore deserves to be treated
honestly and sincerely.
In a dialogic
interaction you respect the other person enough to allow that person the right
to make his or her own choices without coercion, without the threat of
punishment, without fear or social pressure. A dialogic communicator believes
that other people can make decisions that are tight for them and implicitly or
explicitly lets them know that, whatever choices they make, they will still be
respected.
The dialogic
communicator avoids negative criticism and negative personal judgments and
instead practices using positive criticism ("I liked those first two explanations
best; they were really well reasoned"). This person avoids dysfunctional
communication patterns and keeps the channels of communication open by
displaying a willingness to listen. While listening, this person indicates
involvement by giving cues (e.g., nonverbal nods, brief verbal expressions of
agreement, paraphrasing) that show he or she is paying attention. When in doubt
the dialogic communicator asks for clarification-asks for your point of view,
your perspective-and thus signals a real interest in you and in what you have
to say. This person does not manipulate the conversation so as to get positive
comments.
Monologic
communication-the monologue- is the opposite: One person speaks and the other
listens, and there is no real interaction between participants. The monologic
communicator is focused only on his or her own goals and has no real concern
for the listener's feelings or attitudes; this speaker is interested in the
other person only insofar as that person can serve his or her purposes. The
monologic communicator frequently uses negative criticism (I didn't like that
explanation") and negative judgments ("You're not a very good
listener, are you?"). This communicator also often uses dysfunctional
communication patterns, such as expressing an unwillingness to talk or to
listen to what the other person has to say. The monologic communicator rarely demonstrates
that he or she understands you; this person gives no cues that he or she is
listening (cues such as paraphrasing or expressing agreement with what you
say). Nor would this person request clarification of your, because he or she is
less interested in you than in representing himself or herself. Still another
characteristic of the monologic communicator is a tendency to request that you
say positive things about him or her (How did you like the way I handled
that?").
THE PRINCIPLE OF IMMEDIACY
Of
all the characteristics of effective communication, the one that most clearly
defines effective conversation is immediacy-the creation of closeness, a sense of
togetherness, of oneness, between speaker and listener. When you communicate immediacy you convey a
sense of interest and attention, a liking for and an attraction to the other
person. As noted in our discussion of impression management strategies ill
Chapter 2 (pp. 42-47), immediacy strategies are often used to make someone like us. Not surprisingly, people respond to
communication that is immediate more favorably than to communication that is
not. You can increase your interpersonal attractiveness-the degree to which
others like you and respond positively toward you-by using immediacy behaviors.
In addition there is considerable evidence to shot...· that immediacy behaviors
are effective in teaching and in health.
You
can communicate immediacy with both verbal and nonverbal messages:
·
Self-disclose:
reveal something Significant about yourself
·
Refer
to the other person's good qualities. say, dependability, intelligence,
character: for example, "You're always so reliable:'
·
Express
your positive view of the other person and of your relationship: for example,
"I’m sure glad you're my roommate; you know everyone.”
·
Talk
about commonalities, things you and the other person have done together or
share,
·
Demonstrate
your responsiveness by giving feedback cues that indicate you want to listen more
and that you're interested: for example, "And what else happened!"
·
Express
psychological closeness and openness by. For example, maintaining physical
closeness and arranging your body to exclude third parties.
·
Maintain
appropriate eye contact and limit looking around at others.
·
Smile
and express your interest in the other person.
·
Focus
on the other person's remarks. Make the speaker know that you heard and
understood what was said, and give the speaker appropriate verbal and nonverbal
feedback.
At
the same time that you'll want to demonstrate these immediacy messages, try
also to avoid nonimmediacy messages such as interrupting the other person,
avoiding small talk, making potentially offensive or condescending comments,
dosing off the channels of communication ("I don't have the time to
chat"), or talking about things for which the other person has no
reference or experience. Nonverbally, avoid speaking in a monotone, looking away
from the person you're talking to, frowning while talking, having a tense body
posture, and avoiding gestures.
Not
all cultures or all people respond in the same way to immediacy messages. For
example, in the United States (and in individualist and low-power-distance cultures
generally), immediacy behaviors arc seen as friendly and appropriate. In other cultures
(e.g. many collectivist and high-power-distance-cultures), however, the same
immediacy behaviors may be viewed as overly familiar-as presuming that a relationship
is close when it is only an acquaintanceship. In addition, recognize that some
people may interpret immediacy behaviors as indicating a desire for increased
intimacy in the relationship. So, if you're trying to signal a friendly closeness,
the other person may perceive a romantic invitation. Recognize too that because
immediacy behaviors prolong and encourage in-depth communication, they may not
be responded to favorably by persons who are fearful about communication and
who want to gel the interaction over with as soon as possible.
THE PRINCIPLE OF FLEXIBILITY
Because
conversations vary depending on the people involved, the topic being talked
about, the context in which it takes place, and a host of other factors
discussed throughout this text, the effective conversationalist needs to be flexible.
You
can increase your communication flexibility by following a few simple steps:
·
Analyze
the specific conversational situation by asking yourself what is unique or
different about this specific situation and applying the concepts and
principles discussed throughout the text.
·
Mindfully
consider your available choices for any given conversational situation, a
suggestion offered throughout this text.
·
Estimate
the potential advantages and disadvantages of each potential choice, using the
theories and research evidence discussed throughout the text.
·
Competently
communicate your choice, using the skills discussed throughout this text.
THE PRINCIPLE OF POLITENESS: CONVERSATION IS (USUALLY) POLITE
Not
surprisingly, conversation is expected (at least in many cases) to follow the
principle of politeness. Six maxims/ fundamental principles/ general rules/ accepted
truths of politeness have been identified by linguist Geoffrey Leech (1983) and
seem to encompass a great deal of what we commonly think of as conversational
politeness. Before reading about these maxims, take the self-test on p.12R to
help you personalize the material that follows.
The
maxim of tact (statement 1 in the self-test) helps to maintain the other
person's autonomy (what we referred to earlier as negative face, p. 44). Tact
in your conversation would mean that you do not impose on others or challenge
their right to do as they wish. For example, if you wanted to ask someone a
favor, using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, "I know
you're very busy but ... "or "I don't mean to impose, but ... "Not using the maxim of tact, you might
say something like, "You have to lend me your car this weekend" or
"I'm going to use your ATM card." The maxim of generosity (statement
2) helps to confirm the other person's importance for example, the importance
of the person's time, insight, or talent. Using the maxim of generosity, you might
say, I will walk the dog; I see you're busy." Violating the maxim, you
might say "I'm really busy, why don't you walk the dog since you're not
doing anything important." The maxim of approbation (statement 3) refers
to praising someone or complimenting the person in some way (for example,
"I was really moved by your poem") and minimizing any expression of
criticism or disapproval (for example, "For a first effort, that poem
wasn't half bad"). The maxim of modesty (statement 4) minimizes any praise
or compliments you might receive. At the same time, you might praise and
compliment the other person. For example, using this maxim you might say
something like, "Well, thank you, but I couldn't have done this without
your input; that was the crucial element." Violating this maxim, you might
say,
"Yes,
thank you, it was one of my best efforts, I have to admit." The maxim of
agreement (statement 5) refers to your seeking out areas of agreement and expressing
them ("That color you selected was just right; it makes the room
exciting") and at the same time avoiding and not expressing (or at least
minimizing) disagreements ("It's an interesting choice, very
different"}. Violating this maxim, you might say "That color-how can
you stand it?" The maxim of sympathy (statement 6) refers to the expression of
understanding, sympathy, empathy, supportiveness, and the like for the other
person. Using this maxim, you might say, "I understand your feelings; I'm
so sorry." Violating this maxim, you might say, "You're making
a fuss over nothing" or "You get upset over the least little thing.
“What is it this time?"
Everyday Conversations
Having
covered the basic principles of conversation, we can now explore a variety of
everyday conversation situations: making small talk, apologizing, and
complimenting. In reviewing the everyday conversations included here, do
realize that not everyone speaks with the fluency and ease that textbooks often
assume. Speech and language disorders, for example, can seriously disrupt the
conversation process if some elementary guidelines aren't followed. Table
6.2 (p. 130) offers suggestions for making such conversations run more
smoothly.
TABLE 6.2 Communication Tips: Between People with and without
Speech and Language Disorders
Speech and language disorders vary widely-from fluency problems such as
stuttering, to indistinct articulation, to difficulty in finding the right word
(aphasia). Following a few simple guidelines can facilitate communication
between people with and without speech and language disorders.
If you're the person without a speech or language disorder
·
Avoid finishing another person's sentences - Finishing
the person's sentences may communicate the idea that you're impatient and don't
want to spend the extra time necessary to interact effectively.
·
Avoid giving directions to the person with a speech
disorder. - Saying "slow down" or "relax" will often seem
insulting and will make further communication more difficult.
·
Maintain eye contact. Show interest and at the same time
avoid showing any signs of impatience or embarrassment.
·
Ask for clarification as needed. - If you don't
understand what the person said, ask him or her to repeat it. Don't pretend
that you understand when you don't.
·
Don't treat people who have language problems like
children. - A person with aphasia, say, who has
difficulty with names or nouns generally, is in no way childlike. Similarly, a
person who stutters is not a slow thinker; in fad, stutterers differ from
nonstutterers only in their oral fluency.
If you're the person with a speech or language disorder
·
Let the other person know what your special needs are -
If you stutter, you might tell others that you have difficulty with certain
sounds and so they need to be patient
·
Demonstrate your own comfort - Show that you have a
positive attitude toward the interpersonal situation. If you appear comfortable
and positive, others will also.
·
Be patient. - For example, have patience with those who
try to finish your sentences; they're probably just trying to be helpful.
SMALL TALK
Before
reading about small talk, examine your own small talk behavior by taking the
accompanying self-test. All of us engage in small talk, whether it occurs on an
elevator, in a hallway, on Twitter, or on some other social media site,
Sometimes, we use it as a preface to big talk. For example, before a conference
with your boss or even a job interview, you're likely to engage in some
preliminary small talk "How are you doing?" "I'm pleased this
weather has finally cleared up." The purpose here is to ease into the
major topic, or the "big talk."
Sometimes,
small talk is a politeness strategy and a more extensive way of saying hello as
you pass someone in the hallway or meet a neighbor at the post office. You
might say, (Good seeing you. Jack, you're looking ready for the big
meeting," or "See you in Geology at 1." Sometimes, your
relationship with another person revolves totally around small talk, perhaps
with your barber or hairdresser, a colleague at work, your next-door neighbor,
or a fellow student you sit next to in class. In these relationships, neither
person makes an effort to deepen the relationship, so it remains on a small
talk level. Despite its name, small talk serves important purposes. One is
simply to pass the time more pleasantly than you might in silence. Small talk
also demonstrates that the normal rules of politeness are operating.
In
the United States, for example, you would be expected to smile and at least say
hello to people in an elevator in your apartment building, and perhaps at your
place of work. Furthermore, small talk confirms to others that all is
well with you. Should you scowl and avoid eye contact with someone in
your apartment building elevator, you'd signal that something is wrong.
Topics
and Contexts of Small Talk
Small talk topics
must be noncontroversial in the sense that they are something about which you
and the other person are unlikely to disagree. If a topic is likely to arouse
deep emotions or different points of view, then it is probably not a suitable
topic for small talk. Small talk is also relatively short in duration. The
context in which small talk occurs allows for only a brief interaction. Waiting
in line to get into a movie, riding in an elevator, or stopping briefly in the
hallway of a school on the way to class are the kinds of occasions that create
small talk opportunities, The cocktail party, at which guests are meant to
mingle and exchange pleasantries, is perhaps the classic example. Another
popular occasion, which is an exception to this short duration characteristic,
is sitting next to someone on a long plane flight. Here, the small talk-assuming
you keep it to small talk-can last for hours. Sometimes, as explained in the
discussion of self-disclosure in Chapter 2 (pp. 31-35), this situation produces
a kind of "in-flight intimacy" in which you engage in significant
self-disclosure, revealing secrets you normally keep hidden, largely because
you know you'll never see this person again.
Guidelines
for Effective Small Talk
Although
"small," this talk still requires the application of the communication
skills for "big" talk. As already noted, remember that the best topics
are noncontroversial and that most small talk is relatively brief.
Here are a few
additional guidelines for more effective small talk:
·
Be
positive. No one likes a negative doomsayer. So, comment on the weather when
it's nice; move to another topic when it isn't.
·
Be
sensitive to leave-taking cues. Small talk is necessarily brief, hut at times
one person may want it to be a preliminary to big talk and another person may
see it as the sum of the interaction.
·
Stress
similarities rather than differences. This is a good way to ensure that the
small talk stays noncontroversial.
·
Answer
questions with enough elaboration to give the other person information to use
to interact with you. The more elaborate answer also signals your willingness
to engage in small talk, where-as the simple "yes" response can be
interpreted as indicating you don't want to interact.
·
Avoid
monologuing. Listen and be responsive to the other person. Even small talk is two-way
and requires each person to talk and each person to listen. Remember the
principles of tum-taking and dialogue.
·
Remember
that you will be associated with the topics you frequently select to talk
about. If all your small talk concerns the marriage of Tustin Timberlake and
Jessica Biel, the feud between Christina Aguilera and Simon Cowell, or Lindsay
Lohan’s financial difficulties, then you might become defined as someone who is
only interested in shallow celebrity gossip.
APOLOGIES
Despite
your best efforts, there are times when you'll say or do the wrong thing and it
may be necessary to offer an apology-an expression of regret or sorrow for
having done what you did or for what happened, a statement that says you're sorry.
And so, the most basic of all apologies is simply to say "I'm sorry."
In popular usage, the apology includes some admission of wrongdoing on the part
of the person making the apology. Sometimes the wrongdoing is acknowledged
explicitly (I’m sorry I lied") and sometimes only by implication (I'm sorry
you're so upset"). In many cases the apology also includes a request for
forgiveness ("Please excuse me for being late") and some assurance
that this won't happen again ("Please forgive my lateness; it won't happen
again "). An effective apology must be crafted for the specific situation.
An effective apology to a longtime lover, to a parent, or to a new supervisor
are likely to be very different because the individuals are different and your
relationships are different. And so, the first rule of an effective apology
is to take into consideration the uniqueness of the situation-s-the
people, the context, the cultural rules, the relationship, the specific
wrongdoing-for which you might want to apologize. Each situation will call for
a somewhat different message of apology. Nevertheless, we can offer some
general recommendations.
·
Admit
wrongdoing (if indeed wrongdoing occurred). Accept responsibility. Take ownership
of your actions; don't try to pass them off as the work of someone else. Instead
of "Smith drives so slow, it's a wonder I'm only 30 minutes late;” say
"I should have taken traffic into consideration."
·
Be
apologetic. Say (and mean) the words I'm sorry. Don't justify your behavior by
mentioning that everyone does it. For example, don't say "Everyone leaves
work early on Friday." And don't justify your behavior by saying that the
other person has done something equally wrong: "So I play poker; you play
the lottery."
·
Be
specific. State in specific, rather than general terms, what you have done; Instead
of I’m sorry for what I did" say "I'm sorry for flirting at the
patty."
·
Empathize.
Express understanding of how the other person feels and acknowledge the legitimacy
of these feelings: "You have every right to be angry; I should have called."
Express your regret that this has created a problem for the other person:
"I'm sorry I made you miss your appointment" Don't minimize the
problem that this may have caused. Avoid comments such as "So the figures
arrived a little late. What's the big deal?"
·
Give
assurance that this will not happen again. Say, quite simply, "It won't
happen again" or, better and more specifically, "I won't be late
again" And, whenever possible, offer to correct the problem: "I'm
sorry I didn't clean up the mess 1 made; I'll do it now."
·
Avoid
excuses. Be wary of including excuses with your apology: "I'm sorry the
figures are late, but I had so much other work to do." An excuse often
takes back the apology and says, in effect, I'm really not sorry because there
was good reason for what I did, but I'm saying "I'm sorry" to cover
all my bases and to make this uncomfortable situation go away.
·
Choose
the appropriate channel. Don't take the easy way out and apologize through
e-mail (unless the wrongdoing was committed in e-mail or if e-mail is your only
or main form of communication). Generally, it's more effective to use a more
personal mode of communication-face-to-face or phone, for example. It's harder
but it's more effective.
COMPLIMENTS
A
compliment is a message of praise, flattery, or
congratulations.
It can be expressed in face-to-face interaction or on social media sites when,
for example, you retweet someone's post or indicate "like" or
"+1" or when you comment on a blog post. The compliment functions
like a kind of interpersonal glue; it's a way of relating to another person
with positiveness and immediacy.
It's
also a conversation starter: "I like your watch; may I ask where you got
it?" Another purpose of the compliment serves is to encourage the other
person to compliment you-even if not immediately (which often seems
inappropriate). Compliments can be unqualified or qualified. The unqualified
compliment is a message that is purely positive, "Your paper was just
great, an A." The qualified message is not entirely positive, "Your
paper was great, an A; if not for a few problems, it would have been an
A+." You might also give a qualified compliment by qualifying your own
competence: "That song you wrote sounded great, but I really don't know
anything about music." Compliments are sometimes difficult to give and
even more difficult to respond to without discomfort or embarrassment. Here are
some guidelines.
Giving a Compliment
Here
are a few suggestions for giving a compliment:
·
Be
real and honest. Say what you mean and refrain from giving compliments you
don't believe in. They'll probably sound insincere.
·
Compliment
in moderation. A compliment that is too extreme (for example, "That's the
best decorated apartment I've ever seen in my life") may be viewed as
dishonest. Similarly, don't compliment at every possible occasion; if you do,
your compliments will seem too easy to win and not really meaningful.
·
Be
totally complimentary; avoid qualifying your compliments. If you hear yourself
giving a compliment and then adding but or however, stop and rethink what you
are going to say. Many people will remember the qualification rather than the
compliment, and it will instead feel like a criticism.
·
Be
specific. Direct your compliment at something specific rather than something
general. Instead of saying, "I liked your story:' you might say, "I
liked your story-it made me realize something I had forgotten ....”
·
Be
personal in your own feelings- "your song really moved me; it made me
recall so many good times:' But don't be personal about the other person:
"Your hair looks so natural; is that a weave or a toupee?"
Receiving a Compliment
In
receiving a compliment, people generally take either one of two options: denial
or acceptance. Many people deny the compliment ("It's nice of you to say,
but I was terrible"), minimize it ("It isn't like I wrote the great
American novel; it was just an article that no one will read"), change the
subject ("So, where should we go for dinner?"), or say nothing. Each
of these responses denies the legitimacy of the compliment. Accepting the
compliment is a much better alternative. An acceptance might be communicated in
three ways: (1) just smile, with eye contact-avoid looking at the floor, (2)
simply say "thank you," and (3) offer a personal reflection in which
you explain (very briefly) why the compliment is important to you ("I
really appreciate your comments; I worked hard on the project and it's great to
hear it was effective").
Practice Test
1. Which of the following statements is MOST
likely to be the opening of a conversation?
A) “Did you hear what happened at the board
meeting yesterday?”
B)
“Hey, good to see you.”
C) “OK, I’ll make that call this afternoon.”
D) “Hope I hear from you soon.”
2. A speaker and listener are able to
communicate about the communication in which they are currently engaged via
__________.
A)
conversational turns
B) lateral communication
C) gestural cues
D) nonverbal communication
3. Which of the following is an example of a
turn-maintaining cue?
A)
Jeremy holds up one finger mid-sentence as he continues to speak.
B) Tina says, “I’d like to say something
now.”
C) Deion says, “mmm-hmmm” as his mother
explains how to sort the laundry.
D) After Lupe asks her neighbor to take in
her mail while she’s on vacation, she adds, “OK?”
4. How do interruptions differ from
back-channeling cues?
A) They always occur at the end of a
statement, not the beginning.
B) They tell the listener that the speaker is
finished.
C) They never involve body language.
D)
They are attempts to take over the role of speaker.
5. Which of the following is an example of a
nonimmediacy message?
A) “I can always count on you.”
B) “Remember the day we spent on the lake
last summer?”
C) “I
don’t have time to chat right now.”
D) “Wow! What happened next?”
6. __________ strategies are often used to
make someone like us.
A) Flexibility
B)
Immediacy
C) Influencing
D) Credibility
7. Wendy needs to ask her boss a question.
When she knocks on the boss’s office door, she begins by saying, “I know you’re
really busy, but….” Wendy is practicing the maxim of __________.
A) generosity
B) approbation
C) agreement
D)
tact
8. Six-year-old Becky’s goldfish died. If her
grandpa follows the maxim of sympathy, he will tell Becky something like this.
A) “It’s just a fish. We’ll get you another
one sometime.”
B) “You’re a big girl; don’t make such a fuss
over this.”
C)
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
D) “I told you that you needed to feed that
fish more often!”
9. Charles sometimes stutters when he speaks.
Which of the following should you avoid doing if Charles is speaking to you?
A)
saying “slow down” or “relax”
B) making direct eye contact with him
C) smiling at him
D) asking him to repeat something you did not
understand
10. A person with __________ sometimes has
difficulty finding the right word.
A) dyslexia
B) amnesia
C)
aphasia
D) agnosia
11. On a rainy day, as you run into the drug
store, another customer is just walking out. You hold the door open for him. He
thanks you and looks up at the sky dubiously. “Quite a downpour, isn’t it?” you
say to him. “And I don’t even have an umbrella,” he says to you before dashing
out quickly to his car. In this encounter, you and the stranger have engaged in
__________.
A) self-disclosure
B)
small talk
C) top-down communication
D) grapevine communication
12. Sometimes small talk is used as a(n)
__________ strategy.
A) flexibility
B) immediacy
C) intimacy
D)
politeness
13. Of the following, small talk is MOST
likely to occur __________.
A) when a mother is disciplining her child
B) at
a cocktail party
C) during a dinner between old friends
D) when a couple is planning their next
vacation
14. For more effective small talk, remember
to __________.
A) be
positive
B) ignore leavemaking cues
C) stress differences rather than
similarities
D) give one-word answers to questions
15. An expression of regret or sorrow for
having done something wrong is called a(n) __________.
A) confession
B) disclaimer
C)
apology
D) acknowledgment
16. The first rule of an effective apology is
to __________.
A) keep it brief
B)
take into consideration the uniqueness of the situation
C) avoid asking for forgiveness as well
D) always do it in writing
17. Which of the following statements is an
example of a qualified compliment?
A) “Your painting is just great. I like the
colors a lot.”
B)
“Congratulations on scoring three goals today. Of course, the other team wasn’t
very good.”
C) “This pie is perfectly delicious.”
D) “I really love that new skirt!”
18. Which of the following compliments is
MOST likely to be seen as dishonest or not especially meaningful?
A) “I really like that jacket; where did you
get it?”
B) “That was your best time ever in a 5K
race? Way to go.”
C)
“This is the best dinner I have ever tasted in my entire life!”
D) “You worked hard for that B in geometry.
I’m proud of you.”
19. Connor compliments Diane on the song she
just performed. If Diane accepts the compliment, she will __________.
A)
make eye contact with Connor and smile
B) say, “That’s nice of you, but I really
wasn’t very good.”
C) quickly change the subject
D) say, “Oh, it’s just a little thing I wrote
this morning.”
20. Conversation is best viewed as a process
rather than as an act.
A)
True
B) False
21. Which of the following is CLOSEST to the
impersonal end of the relationship continuum?
A) next-door neighbors
B) bus
driver and passenger
C) co-workers
D) brother and sister
22. The dialogic communicator frequently
gives negative criticism or negative personal judgments.
A) True
B)
False
23. Recognize that some people may interpret
immediacy behaviors as indicating a desire for increased intimacy in the
relationship.
A)
True
B) False
24. Speech and language disorders can
seriously disrupt the conversation process.
A)
True
B) False
25. Sometimes it is a good idea to accompany
an apology with an excuse.
A) True
B)
False
26. In the five-stage model of conversation,
which stage immediately follows the opening?
A) reception
B) feedback
C) business
D)
feedforward
27. Otto is a recent arrival to the United
States. Which step should he follow if he wants to make sure his handshake is
effective, according to American cultural norms?
A)
Smile at the other person as he shakes hands.
B) Extend the left hand.
C) Pump the other person’s hand at least ten
times.
D) Hold onto the other person’s hand for a
few moments after finishing the handshake.
28. This conversational step is the reverse
of feedforward.
A) closing
B) business
C)
feedback
D) opening
29. Which of the following statements looks
MOST like a conversation closer?
A) “Wasn’t that the funniest movie you ever
saw?”
B) “Did you hear that Alicia is in the
hospital?”
C) “I
hope to hear from you again soon.”
D) “Hi. How have you been?”
30. Conan says to his roommate, “So we’ll
have hamburgers for dinner tonight. Okay?” The “okay” portion of the communication
is a __________ cue.
A)
turn-yielding
B) turn-requesting
C) back-channeling
D) turn-maintaining
31. As Grandmother tells the ghost story,
little Ana leans forward with her eyes locked onto her grandma. Ana’s nonverbal
cues indicate that she __________.
A) understands that the events of the story
are just make-believe
B) does not understand what her grandmother
is saying
C) is
very involved in the story
D) wants her grandmother to slow down
32. During a(n) __________ each person is
both speaker and listener, sender and receiver.
A) oration
B) monologue
C) lecture
D)
dialogue
32. Which of the following is characteristic
of a dialogic communicator?
A)
displays a willingness to listen
B) frequently uses negative criticism
C) gives no listening cues
D) never requests clarification of listener’s
views
33. The creation of closeness between speaker
and listener characterizes __________.
A) rationality
B) politeness
C)
immediacy
D) flexibility
34. To increase your communication
flexibility, be sure to __________.
A) engage in monologic communication whenever
possible
B)
competently communicate your choice
C) avoid lateral communication patterns
D) request that the listener say positive
things about you
35. As Jenny works at her desk trying to
catch up on paperwork, Rosalita pokes her head into the office and says, “Hey,
I see you’re really busy so I’ll run out and pick up your dry cleaning for
you.” Rosalita is practicing the maxim of __________.
A)
generosity
B) modesty
C) sympathy
D) agreement
36. Clint sometimes stutters. Which of the
following would you advise Clint to do in order to facilitate his communication
with others?
A) He
should avoid becoming irritated with people who try to finish his sentences;
they are probably just trying to be helpful.
B) He should not tell anyone in advance that
he stutters; they will find out soon enough.
C) He should apologize every time he
stutters, to make sure listeners understand that he knows he is making
communication difficult.
D) He should simply write everything down;
that way, there will be no misunderstandings.
37. Which of the following statements about
small talk is correct?
A) Only people with poor communication skills
engage in small talk.
B) Small talk should never be used as a
preface or introduction to more serious subjects.
C)
Small talk confirms to others that all is well with you.
D) Religion is a good topic for small talk.
38. Which of the following is an effective
apology?
A) “The other driver stopped so quickly, it’s
a wonder the crash didn’t cause more damage.”
B) “Yeah, so I smoke two packs a day. You eat
cookies every day yourself.”
C)
“You have every right to be angry; I should have called.”
D) “I’m sorry my report is late, but I had
band practice every night this week.”
39. Which of the following is the BEST
description of a compliment?
A) an expression of regret, remorse, or
sorrow
B) an expression of respectful regard for
another
C) a recommendation or suggestion
D) a
message of praise, flattery, or congratulations
40. When Angelo comes home late, his wife
Marti is angry. Angelo tells her, “I’m sorry you are so upset.” Angelo’s
statement can BEST be characterized as a(n) __________.
A)
implied apology
B) politeness strategy
C) request for forgiveness
D) assurance
41. Which of the following is an example of
an unqualified compliment?
A) “Your painting looks great, but I don’t
really know anything about art.”
B)
“You played just great in today’s game!”
C) “Congrats on your B+. If you’d gotten just
one more question right, it would’ve been an A.”
D) “I guess those slacks go with your shirt.
I’m not sure.”
42. Which of these would be a good topic for
small talk between you and the person sitting next to you on the bus?
A) who you plan to vote for in an upcoming
election
B) your views on the existence of God
C) whether or not abortion should be legal
D) the
progress of a local sports team
43. You tell Susan that you think her dress
looks really nice and she replies, “What? This old thing? I’m just about to
give it away to the thrift shop.” In this case, Susan has __________.
A)
denied your compliment
B) changed the subject
C) minimized your compliment
D) accepted your compliment
44. When you write on someone’s Facebook
wall, it is interpersonal communication only.
A) True
B)
False
45. Back-channeling cues are used to
communicate various types of information back to the speaker without assuming
the role of speaker.
A)
True
B) False
46. Immediacy can be communicated with verbal
messages only.
A) True
B)
False
47. Avoid monologing, even when engaging in
small talk.
A) True
B) False
48. It is never appropriate to give a
compliment via social media; it should always be done face-to-face.
A) True
B)
False
49. On the interpersonal continuum, which of
the following relationships is CLOSEST to the highly personal end?
A) person asking a stranger for directions
B)
brother and sister
C) barber and customer
D) co-workers
Chapter Test
1. When Aisha says to her best friend, “Where
did you get that watch? I love it!” She
is
A) praising.
B)
complimenting.
C) critiquing.
D) asserting.
2. In dialogue, each person is both
A) evaluator and sender.
B) receiver and evaluator.
C)
sender and receiver.
D) None of the above.
3. Generally, which stage of the conversation
process includes the substance of the conversation?
A)
business
B) feedforward
C) dialogue
D) feedback
4. In which of the following situations would
the rules of society most likely govern the interaction?
A) a parent asking children about their
homework assignments
B) a friend asking for a ride to school
C)
strangers conversing with each other as they stand in line for tickets to a
movie
D) co-workers talking over drinks after a
hectic workday
5. Lillian is ___________________ when she
expresses her regret for what she did to her best friend Mansour.
A) apologizing
B) engaging in other-orientation
C) engaging in problem solving
D) engaging in problem analysis
6. Caitlyn is always willing to confirm
another person’s importance by understanding how important their time is and
offering to help them when necessary.
Which maxim of the principle of politeness is Caitlyn demonstrating?
A) tact
B)
generosity
C) agreement
D) sympathy
7. The more impersonal the interaction
between people, the more likely they will
A) respond to each other as unique
individuals.
B)
respond to each other according to social roles.
C) establish conversation rules unique to the
interaction.
D) begin self-disclosing quickly.
8. Which of the following is not one of the
guidelines for effective apologies?
A) Admit wrongdoing.
B)
Justify your behavior by mentioning that everyone does it or that others have
done worse.
C) Avoid excuses.
D) Give assurance that it will not happen
again.
9. Which of the following sequences
accurately depicts the five stages of conversation?
A) feedforward, turn-taking, business,
feedback, followup
B) opening, business, feedback, turn-taking,
closing
C)
opening, feedforward, business, feedback, closing
D) feedforward, feedback, dialogue,
turn-taking, followup
10. This principle of conversations explains
the need of varying the conversation depending on the people involved, the
topic, and the context:
A) principle of immediacy
B) principle of politeness
C)
principle of flexibility
D) principle of dialogue
11. Which of the following statements is
generally true about interpersonal communication?
A) It occurs
between two people who have a relationship.
B) It is not contingent on a relationship
between the people interacting.
C) It can be synonymous with intrapersonal
communication.
D) All of the above.
12. Artemis and Diana are engaged in a
conversation about global warming. After speaking at length about the
importance of the issue, Artemis says to Diana, “You think this is important,
right?” Artemis has used a __________ cue.
A) turn-maintaining
B)
turn-yielding
C) speaker prompt
D) turn-requesting
13. After listening to Porter talk on and on
about how hard his communication theory class is, Pepper finds an opening in
the conversation and says, “Porter, I have something to say.” Pepper is using a
__________ cue.
A)
turn-requesting
B) turn-yielding
C) back-channeling
D) turn-denying
14. Robert is not prepared for the discussion
in history class this morning. Every
time the history instructor asks the class a question, Robert looks down and
avoids eye contact with the instructor.
Robert is displaying __________ cues.
A) turn-yielding
B) turn-requesting
C)
turn-denying
D) turn-maintaining
15. Interruptions, in contrast to
back-channeling cues, are attempts to take over the role of the
A) listener.
B)
speaker.
C) evaluator.
D) message.
16. Statements such as, “I’m going to tell
you something because I consider you a friend,” and “Please listen to
everything I have to say before you respond” are most appropriately made in
which stage of conversation?
A)
feedforward
B) business
C) opening
D) dialogue
17. Which of the following statements is true
concerning monologic and dialogic communication?
A) Monologic communication is usually
preferable to dialogic communication.
B)
Dialogic communication involves striving for empathy and mutual understanding.
C) Monologic communication is preferable in
stressful situations.
D) Monologic communication is preferable in
non-stressful situations.
18. According to our text, which of the
following is an appropriate topic for small talk?
A) highly controversial topics
B) topics that will arouse deep emotions
C) All of the above.
D)
None of the above.
19. When Manny compliments Matthew on his
great oral presentation, Matthew replies that, “It was nothing, anyone could
have done that.” Matthew’s response to
Manny’s compliment is an example of
A)
minimizing.
B) accepting.
C) retracting.
D) verbalizing.
20. Nancy and Kimberly are best friends. They
meet each other at the student center to walk together to their next class.
Given this scenario, what is likely to happen in the first stage of their
conversation?
A) They may greet verbally but there is no
need for a nonverbal greeting.
B) They may greet nonverbally but there is no
need for a verbal greeting.
C)
They will probably greet each other both verbally and nonverbally.
D) They will not engage in the first stage of
the conversation process because they already know each other.
21. Asking a gas station attendant for
directions is not considered interpersonal communication.
A) True
B)
False
22. All conversations require an opening
stage.
A) True
B)
False
23. The fourth step of the conversation, the
feedback stage, is the reverse of the opening.
A) True
B)
False
24. The closing stage of a conversation
usually signals some degree of supportiveness.
A)
True
B) False
25. Both speakers and listeners may offer
turn-taking cues in conversations.
A)
True
B) False
26. Back-channeling cues are used to
communicate various types of information back to the speaker.
A)
True
B) False
27. Dialogic communication is communication
in which people exhibit respect and concern for one another.
A)
True
B) False
28. Immediacy does not provide a sense of
togetherness, of oneness, between speaker and listener.
A) True
B)
False
29. Effective conversationalists need to be
flexible.
A)
True
B) False
30. Small talk only happens in person and not
in computer-mediated communication.
A) True
B)
False
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